my inner reality

Joker/misfits culture 

Bohemian, release of care

Body double, addiction monster

Inner council 

sync town

1/23/21 

I was playing Depeche Mode on the drive to Jaysen's apartment. 

Then when we were watching Weird Science we and depeche mode poster was in the background 

An Important Dream

I had a dream about speaking across space and time. A king who could speak to me through time. He said that we meet in every incarnation. Sometimes I'm the guy, sometimes he is the girl. But we always meet. We don't always like one another? I saw a lifetime where I tried to take a woman's baby and her younger son. Because I was supposed to be with them when they got older. She ended up shooting me in the head. 

But before that I showed the young boy a lighter made of wood. Told him it was special. 

I escaped a ship that a sea monster attacked. It was a story of great legend. 

The king told me of our love. That this lifetime was one about self love. But I told him I wanted this to be about interdependence. 

Then I dreamed of everyone who was learning the same thing in this lifetime...one about self love. It confused me...I thought of Charis & then I felt I was ascending another level. She mentioned I would ascend many levels. 

I began speaking to Sam and he told me he didn't believe it was simply about self love or me finding my true love. It was more, a lesson I was trying to teach myself. I saw that in some lifetimes I did terrible things. He was saying that was still there inside of me. 

jellie

Snuggling during or after sex is really important. Touch is part of my love language so being touched gently means a lot to me. 

Having someone gently brush their fingers over my skin. Things which awaken and tantalize the senses. I'm seeking more sensuality. More kissing, kiss my neck. 

FAM drama

A dream where I blamed it all on my FAM. 

We were in Montgomery & I was talking about how Dad & Sam kinda abandoned me to be with mom who relied on me emotionally. 

Sam returns to help mom but he ends up using her instead. Then he claims he won't leave her and will take care of her but goes to the capitol instead. Dad goes as well. Despite me warning dad against it. 

Dad relapsed several times this year. He was concerned about Sam getting sucked into staying here with mom but didn't care about me. I felt like it's always been on me to take care of the family. 

Now Sam wants to go off into the military like he originally planned & leave mom behind. 

I literally said I was in denial about it. 

art ideas

"I don't know" self portraits of inner council, egos and little deaths of expectations...scales falling away from eyes. Pandemic musings 

Down to the core of things. 

In my wishes for things to be different and not accepting life on life's terms...I was choosing to not accept myself on my own terms. Choosing not to embrace my primal nature. Not Ms. Hyde...but my soft animal. 

I wanted to create an Inquisition over my own landscapes. To cleanse it of dullness. 

Never enough 

When I step, I want to fly 

When I speak, I want to sing which brings others to their knees

I want to get inside your brain like a drug 

I've been trying to rip through the illusions, to see passed the mirrors. Why did I think I left the hall of mirrors? My inner landscapes. 

But I was given the gift of art 

bastet

You helped me unlock creativity and face what I needed to face by being able to relax and enjoy myself, let go. 

I see now that I truly am not Christian nor religious but I am Pagan & I don't think I believe in worship the same way religious people might. Worship is more like a partnership with a certain entity which has a power it offers which you want. 

I do believe in some Gods who are more like saints, they give endlessly with nothing in return but they are like endless wells. They help me through the long night a. 

sync town

January 2nd

Arcadia the god was mentioned &

then Jaysen showed me a record named Arcadia...a side project by Duran Duran

Workaholics

Jaysen showed me a record of strawberry shortcake & then someone was called a strawberry shortcake on workaholics 

Mr White from Creep show 

I had JUST mentioned the breaking bad scene