It was the best and most impactful night of my life!!!
The night before I got into a really bad fight with Gabriella and it left me feeling really insecure. I was already feeling insecure about my gender and who I am but she made me feel like shit for being more masc.
It was a horrible night. But i knew something huge was coming, that when i went to the club last night i was going to meet my "white rabbit"...like from the matrix. The matrix is actually an allegory for the trans experience and the awakening which happens.
Anyway, mom and I went out shopping yesterday because she felt bad for me and I got this flowing dress that really showed off my cleavage. I felt hot in it and with my short blonde hair, it was my MOOD. it was perfect.
I got complimented so many times on my dress and my hair...so many times. It's what I needed. And everytime someone misgendered me, I corrected them. "No, I'm a trans man and these are my pronouns. I'm just a very girly man." And they'd just hug me and be so accepting of me.
I danced all over the dance for in a way i never had. It's like this dream we always had of going to the club together and dancing and forgetting all of our problems and not caring what people thing and just letting all the negative things wash away into the ground with every movement. It was like a movie, what I'd always wanted to experience. I even danced with other people I didn't know which usually I'm too shy to do. This one guy whose really a good dancer was having so much fun with me and he thanked me for dancing with him!! I didn't think my body could take it. I'm sure you were there because I'd been feeling this moment come for so many years, it was my dream to feel this way. Completely me...trans and beautiful. Then, one of the djs brought me to meet her trans/nonbinary friend who was tucked away at the corner of the club. I felt like I was meeting someone really special and she said, "Meet Bunni." I'd met my white rabbit. Bunni had a white rimmed had on and looked so fucking magical. I was blown away by them. We talked for a long time about the trans experiences and they told me about ways to have a passport as an ID & how to travel by plane without getting strip searched.
I did my hair this way to match Switch from the Matrix who is trans.
And two days before I wrote in my journal, "transrevolution". That's what I feel I am a part of. That night there was a very tall trans woman and she a bit older. She seemed shy because physically she still looked very manly. I immediately became her best friend and we danced all night and talked. She told me about her love who lives in Denver and it was really amazing. Then, right as the night was ending. There was this gay guy who came over to me and was just going into detail about how much he loved my hair. But he kept misgendering me so I told him I was a trans man.
Then it lead into a half hour talk of how he'd always thought he was a trans woman but never felt safe to admit it to him and lives with a very conservative family. He talked about how depressed he's been because of it. He said I was the first person he ever admitted this to and it just changed his life. We got each others social media accounts and I'm going to keep checking in with him.
I gave him resources to help him but I'm so proud of him!!
I told him that's why I'm so fucking flamboyant about it. Because I want to support those who are afraid.
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