I believe that within each human being, at their core, is a compass. It points in the general direction of where their soul must go to be truly authentic to who they are. It comes to us in many different ways. As symbols, voices from friends, loved one's or even strangers. Sometimes it's a vision, a supernatural experience. Other times it's an intuition, a simple, unmistakable gut feeling. It's the still, small voice of reason which is always present. No matter how it comes to a person, there is always guidance about the next step to take.
For so long, I struggled with spirituality, religion, understanding my role in life...where was I to go? Who was I to be? I was raised strict christian and was a child in the military. There were clear rules and roles for me. Life did have a rule book and there were answers to most of my questions. Except that which I feared. My fear somehow was doorway to the next stage of my life. I suffered from extreme phobias as a child. Somehow, I knew that even though my ever present parents were nearby...they could not protect me from the danger which neared. I believe that I sensed the cracks in our perfect glass house. I sensed that chaotic wildness waited at the door...
We live in a time now where many of the dangers that our ancestors faced seem like the vaguest, distant memory. We will never have to fight for our lives in the ways our ancestors did. Not in the western world, at least. It's interesting how religion and spirituality have changed over the course of history. It looks as if Science has mostly been taking the lead now. Even if one is religious, they may not truly believe. And a lot of it all seems like something only our archaic ancestors who believed in a flat earth needed.
Is it so archaic to have a spiritual connection? Can we truly place our moral convictions on scientific means? A smart man is not promised to be a good man. For is he not just a rich man in another coat? What does spirituality mean? Or morality? I believe these are all important questions one must ask themselves. Questions are always better than simply accepting an answer simply because it's been given to you.
The compass which I speak of, I didn't find it by adhering to a book, a person or any ideology. I didn't find it in scientific evidence nor the local church. It wasn't prayed into me & I wasn't saved into it. I wasn't brainwashed or indoctrinated. I wasn't persuaded or proved wrong. In some ways, all of my experiences with such things pointed me to it. But it never came from anything outside of me. I believe this compass is one of the things which is the most human about us. It's clear and unbridled when we are children, we listen to that compass unwavering. We are innocent and know nothing but what we are. But we must walk through the fires, to come of age. We cannot remain a wide-eyed doe forever. Because danger does exist. That wild which we believe we have tamed and will never have to face again still exists. We only cannot see how we still fall prey to predator far more cunning than a lion or a snake.
The predators we face now are from our own tribes, our own minds and the worlds in which we navigate. There are still those who face hunger, war and all sorts of very real, in your face dangers. They are quite aware of the reality of life, still. That compass is often quite intact within them, at least in what it takes to physically survive. They intuitively know when someone means them harm, or they can feel when they don't need to stay a place a night longer. Those who don't trust that compass may very well lose their lives. We have tried to escape realities all together, not realizing we are still in the wild fending for our lives in a much more sophisticated manner.
This compass cannot be damaged or destroyed. It is literally the core of who you are and it is always speaking to you, you need only listen. Over time, it will become clearer to you. It is the path of your Soul. If you ignore it, you will lead a life which offers no nourishment to the soul. You have a right to life, but if you truly want to be alive while in your body...you must fight to live. Everything I know, I want to share in these passages. Once upon a time, I wanted to share this with future children of mine. I'd stay up thinking of what I'd say to them. As I'd live my life and make a new discovery I would speak to them in my mind as if they were already there. Now, I don't know if I'll ever have ken to pass these words or discoveries onto. But I want to leave the bread crumbs for someone who might need it. Because it was the words of others who were living true to their soul which helped me navigate myself back to my own compass. That's the odd thing about this all, the spiritual journey that we all go through. First we are born naturally intact with our souls, then through the harsh realities of life we lose touch with that soul, that's when we are given the opportunity to be reborn. We are given the choice to truly grow up. We don't have to. We can remain a child within our whole lives. Protecting those soul pieces within us so as to no one hurts them...but the worst part of it all is that once day those pieces will die. And without sunlight or water or ever having the chance to break through the ground...it would be like almost reaching orgasm and then it falling away forever. Quite anticlimactic. Your first battle was in the womb, to show your mother that you did want to be born. Your second birth is in life, when you show the infinite mother that you do want to be born. It is a battle we all must fight. But we are not alone. We are never alone. If you keep strength, stay courageous and hold true to what you believe in...a little luck is bound to come your way.
The compass is not something someone else can spell out for you. It's a relationship which you cultivate with yourself. If you cannot cultivate this relationship with yourself than you will never truly find that compass though you may look and look in all the worlds greatest books & sermons.
A good teacher only guides you back to your own inner truth...they point you in the direction of the way. The best teacher will make themselves obsolete. You must see that you do not need them. But only once you truly have found your own inner compass. That's why I believe the spiritual journey is a deeply personal one. No one else can tell you what that compass says and where it will lead you. Without belief in yourself, you will never truly be able to hear it. You will always second guess what you hear and you will never trust it as being real truth for yourself. This why it's such a tragedy that we befall when we lose faith in our own inner voice. But that is the journey that we all go through. The hero's journey, if you will. This is another truth about the compass. It is not pure, it is not angelic incarnate within you. It is not a God shard in the way a christian might view christ within us. Again, it is the most human thing about us. Sometimes, it will send you down a dark road or one which tests your good sensibilities. It is of the wildish nature of humans, one which was not shameful of it's human flesh because of original sin. This is a part of you which doesn't know sin in the way we once did. It only knows YOUR truth. Your truth may make you question everything you thought about life, about right and wrong...You may look at your truth and see a monster. There are not always easy answers to your questions. We, as humans, are not all light. And when we cannot bare to look at the monsters within us, the darkness that dwells becomes a true monster and controls us through the subconscious realms as if we were possessed at times by something demonic.
There is one truth though that has been unchanging for me...to truly be free, I must walk the path which my compass leads me on. Invictus.
The hero's journey starts over everyday.
The Power of the Mirage and Imaginary Friends
It's a good thing that I like Alice in Wonderland-esque world because this one mirrors it well. Especially on the spiritual planes. It seems like a world full of dichotomies, a hall of mirrors. Even when I was a young teen, I said that the one thing that was certain is life would never be certain or something to be completely figured out. This is why I call the inner guidance system within you a compass. It is pointing you in the direction of your path but it is NOT the path & it is only guidance. All we can truly do is orbit around the truth but there is mystery to life which is what beats our hearts. To truly know and see all would require us to not have a singular existence. We can tune in, tap into the infinite existence. Which Carl Jung speaks on with the collective unconscious and the hero's journey. But to truly see through the eyes of the infinite, you would need to not possess eyes. The very act of living in a body is an act of separation.
Truth is, growing up, a lot of the things I was told were just illusions...a trick of the mind. I was told my whole dreams were ahead of me. A lot of millenials were told this. We could have whatever we want or be whatever we wanted. Then we found out the world was in disorder and that things weren't as good as we were told. But there are some of us who are hard headed. I chose not to stop believing in my dreams. In the dark night of the soul, I would not let them go. I held them close to my heart like a guiding light. I didn't give in. I didn't give up. I wanted to let go of everything and stop believing. But I couldn't. The trials which I went through. They were part of my journey. Part of my hero's journey. A life will try to test you. To see if what you believe in is only what you think is real. Do you believe simply because it's what you've been shown? Or is there something more? Something more within you? A fighter? Is this worth it? Do your dreams really mean anything to you? The beauty of childhood is tested with the harsh reality of adulthood where the umbrella of protection has been lifted. For my own circumstances, it happened much earlier. Divorced parents left me exposed to the elements. I discovered very quickly harsher realities. The world was unforgiving and cold. This is usually when you feel the pressure to drop your 'childish' beliefs. Unfortunately so much is often lost with it. Like your very dreams and the spirit of your being as well as your connection to your compass. There is a very sad dying of your dreams and aspirations and belief in your authentic self.
You begin to try to fit yourself into a mold that you feel will protect you, which will be practical, what will help you to survive. You learn to live in fear. You lose the magic and mystery of life. Everything is predictable in a world where nothing is every certain. You trade authentic living for cold comfort which is also a lie. That's the dicotomy. Both are not the whole truth. It's true that many of the voices, spirits, experiences I had were all in my head and yet they were also very real. The truth is, while you may feel safe...it's only an illusion. The sooner you accept that you cannot ever truly be safe, the sooner you can get back to truly living your life authentically. We weren't put here to have a boring existence, this is an adventure. We are travellers, we are not here forever. We must remember the truth which death grants us.
For some time after 2011, I lived in fear because I so craved the comfort which I realized I could never have again. I couldn't unsee what I had already seen. It was time for me to let go of fear and step into my power but my own power terrified me. Because we are most afraid of our power, not of our weakness. We prefer to play small. It seems so much easier not to take up too much space or to not have a voice. But the truth is if I never truly opened up myself to the world then I would surely die. I am an intense person and I am safest not playing it safe. There's that alice in wonder dicotomy again...the curious mystery of life. How is it possible that not playing it safe is safest for me? It's because I am unable to live a life which isn't authentic to me. Either I can be a bright light or a black hole. There's no in-between for someone like me.
Shadow Boon
So, shadow work has been discussed in great length among psychologists and spiritually minded individuals or those recovering from addiction. Many now know what that term is and may even use it lightly or in a different context than it was originally intended. Because of that, I will not go into further detail of the meaning of shadow work other than to say that it is literally the parts of yourself which you deem as unacceptable in some fashion and choose to suppress. When the shadow is suppressed it will animate itself in other various forms. Carl Jung speaks of how the shadow will then possess a person who is unaware or suppressing an aspect of themselves.
The Shadow self will appear to us in totems and symbols just like anything else. Nature is our greatest ally when it comes to discovering the inner worlds of the shadow self. Currently, the year is 2020 and we are seeing 'murder hornets' arrive to the US. While much of this is very terrifying, especially during a world pandemic...there is a reason nature is doing any and all of this. It ALL symbolizes something deeper. Just as my health issues symbolized something deeper to me. It was only until I could understand them that I was able to recover. I learned this from my friend Cherie who suffered from a heart attack at a young age and had to receive a transplant. I AM worthy. I have a light to shine, I have a purpose. I was unaware of my addiction or how it was running my life. I had to see the truth of my own being.
I wish this for all of you who may read this. As I walk on this shamanic journey, may you find the boon in the shadows. Shadow work is the most unpleasant aspect of spiritual growth. It brings up all of our triggers, fears and things we've been suppressing as bad within us. For me right now that is my anger. But once you see how it possesses you and what you resist persists...you will see that the only way to the treasure is to fight the dragon first. Except you are the dragon and you are keeping yourself from the treasure by being unwilling to see the magic or medicine of some aspect of yourself. Anger is not bad by it's very nature...it is actually the tenacity needed to set boundaries or to survive on this planet. Anger is there to protect you and it's outrage which brings about change. Anger is the fires which burn many passions and movements. There is a place for anger, but it is like fire and if left unchecked can very easily set fire to the whole world. If I fear the fire within me, I surely will burn. I will burn when I don't want to burn and the world will see me possessed by my own shadow. I will look back and think, wow why did I act like that? Now, I hold a place for my anger...it is no longer my enemy but informing me of a truth within my own being. It is a guidepost to the truth of who I am. There is a treasure to be had in my own anger. Anger and resentment are different. Being spineless is not a spiritual position. Having no voice is simply lacking boundaries.
The Call
The truth is you are never seperated from your Soul's truth. It can never be completely buried. It is free and unhindered by any of your choices. Now, your relationship with it may change. It may not always be as loud to you...sometimes it may only lightly pull at your heartstrings when you see something on tv that makes you think of your Soul's path. But think of it as if you were in encompassed in darkness. And far, far in the distance there is a light. You are drawn to that light. Maybe it's instead a song which has a unmistakable sound to it and every time you hear it gives you this feeling that you want to understand. But you can't really heart it so it makes you want to get closer to it. You keep walking towards the light or the sound. In the beginning, you may be afraid to go towards the light. Even though it's beautiful to you and looks very promising...the darkness is all you've ever known. It's just as possible that it's a trap. What if it's not safe? And the truth is, adventures are never safe. But the safest place to be is a coffin. All danger has been surpassed. The truth is the call never promised you eternal happiness. Utopia is not what the light contains. Your Soul is not exempt from fear, horror or mistakes. You surely will face all of life as you travel towards the light. But to live any other dream is like forever living in your own shadow. Step into your truth and fearlessly be who you dream of being.
