Sex Journaling

I am apprehensive to have sex again. After having a pregnancy scare and also upon deeper reflection of addictive patterns...I haven't been sure about my sexual life for some time now. I just need to take a step back and examine it. 

Also, I'm not sure that I want to show my boobs to one of his friends because his wife has saggy boobs. That is definitely objectification of me. Especially since he's not cool with me showing off my body on my own terms. I didn't agree with him to be in control of everything. It makes me feel like I'm a prize to him. 

What would sex look like to me? Honestly sex doesn't mean much to me anymore. I wish it meant more to me than a hit of pleasure or a nice way to say I love you. Orgasms make me uncomfortable. I wish I could have what I had when I was younger but I know now that was only just a dream. 

Sex is unappealing to me in a lot of ways. Emily pointed out that my deep fetish openness could have something to do with the fact that it felt otherworldly to me & that's what I experienced with Kirene. 

Girls my age were all reading books and dreaming of their soulmates. I believed I had one like many others similar to me. I knew it would be otherworldly. Just like I knew my life would be. My life now is other worldly, just as I imagined.

But my relationships...they don't feel that way to me. I have found otherworldly feeling relationships and they end up being highly destructive and supporting my fantasy world mindset. I don't want to refuse to grow up and be stuck in peter pan land. I don't know what a healthy sexual/romantic relationship looks like. Perhaps Samuel is farther along than I am. 

I know have to keep working on myself. I think most people my age eventually learned that those fairytale weren't real or atleast not what they thought it was. 

In my case the exact opposite happened. I believed that it was all true. I lived it as my truth. It was my reality. But then 2011 happened. It changed everything. I couldn't fly, not in the way I thought I could. Not in that moment, anyway. I found that there were some limitations. That sometimes, one does concede to the universe, in this realm at least. But somehow it made me real...it made the universe real...it wasn't just a dream. 

But then what I experienced...was it just a dream? How do I let it go? Cruelty, it is a sharp weapon. 

Where do I go from here? What does sex mean to me? What does that spice of life called romance mean to me? I imagined it would be very colorful. Full of wonder. Lots of adventures...games, laughter, love. 

I'm going to do EMDR on it. I need to do it on it so that I can continue to move forward. 

Emily's betrayal, Kirene's predatory energy, fantasy beliefs, 

I guess I worry if I change, Jaysen won't be interested. That our sexualities won't match up anymore. I needed so much more trust with him because I have been hurt by him without him meaning to. 

Sex means too much to me. Yet I treat it like it doesn't. It's a doorway to my deepest feelings. I suppose it's not such a mystery to me. Sex was supposed to be mind blowing because there was deep trust and authenticity developed there first. We rushed into having sex before developing a relationship. Before really knowing what the other person needs and wants emotionally, physically & mentally. 

I thought I could explore my sexuality with you, Jaysen. Originally that's what I was interested in. A partner to explore kinkier parts of myself with. But then I started growing feelings for you. You were hilarious, cute, kind & I felt a real connection with you. I wanted to be in a relationship with you. I did feel real feelings growing for you. I loved how open you were. I loved how attentive you were. You were interesting and had cool hobbies. 

But I wasn't planning to get into a relationship and so our sexual relationship changed for me because sex became about US & not just me exploring my sexual fetishes with a partner that I liked. That was the area where I am uncertain how to even ask for what I want or need. I have felt like I am asking for too much when it comes to matters of the heart. 

Feelings I want during sex

To be truly seen at a soul level 

To feel comfortable, trusting and open

My heart space to be totally safe, validated, seen & held 

Freedom from thoughts, ego & selfishness 

Loving embrace 

No fear

Like flying

Ability to cry 

Adventure, exploration 

Magic 

Worthiness 

Respect 

Kindness 

Passion 

Feeling like you have the desire to truly know me. To check in with me emotionally. To understand that it what truly matters the most to me. That is what makes me feel the most heard. 

I want our love to be something my mate would die for. We would literally burn the whole world down for one another. There is no one who could separate us. The intensity of a thousand suns. 

Someone who do anything for me, no fear. No place they would not go, complete submission. Someone who enter the void with me. Lose their mind with me. 

Complete dissolve their identity with mine. Someone who would ascend to higher realms with me. Go on mystical journey's with me. Find the magical realms with me. Explore the depths of the unconscious with me. Brave is an understatement. Intelligent but willing to explore everything with me. Never bored because there is so much more to be seen. 

Enjoys the present moment with me. Worships me like a goddess. 

We are the chosen one's. 

Why would someone who is as smart as he is not see that what I want is emotional connection? Is he playing me? Why do I feel like he's chameleoning me? 

Lots of prayers but he doesn't pray. 

Saying he believes it's god pouring god into god but then he doesn't believe in anything.

Saying he doesn't know what synchronicity is then he keeps a list of 'occurances'. Which I only found out about because I saw it not because he told me. 

Saying he's happy but then saying I don't want to know what's in his mind. 

Finding out he used to have depression. 

Talking about the things which I am interested in are really deep subjects and acts like that isn't his interest. 

Then during a picnic saying that he is interested in people's psychology. That he wanted to help people but he didn't like all the writing he would have to do. Mentioned that he hates giving reports. So I guess he hates writing. He is deep. How does he not see that? There is some weird hypocrisy happening. 

He talks about being kind but then says really rude and vicious things about people behind their backs. He talks about having trouble forgiving. 

What else does he keep from me? Why did he keep the occurances things from me when he knows that is interesting to me? 

Does he actually listen to me or really comprehend what I am saying? Does he just pretend to understand? 

Create nightmare before Christmas wooden box 

take the leap

I am peter pan & Wendy 

I was the ugly duckling until I realized I was the Swan 

Ocean born - Nightwish 

Salamander

Stinkbug

Butterfly 

Caterpillar

Ants

Opossum 

Women Who Run With Wolves 

Being a conduit for the divine 

Check my list 

Talk to Jaysen about matters of the heart 

Show him the map 

Show him everything

Show him what art means to me 

Unsure about sex 

Want to feel connected 

Stopped having sex with Ces

Loss of power

It gives me pleasure and is addictive 

Sometimes I want sex physically but not mentally 

Team Ramrod

There's something I feel bad about and I'm a bit embarrassed to talk about it. Summer is actually my friend. She is roommates with Alli & in the program. I've actually known her for 4 years. I'm definitely not as close to her as I am with Alli. 

I know that you thought she was just a neighbor and was put off by her appearance. But the way you talked about her was mean & I feel like you judged her without actually knowing her. 

She is a really great person and has a pretty amazing story. She looked rough because she's had a really hard life. She wasn't addicted to meth. She deals with a lot but has still overcome them all and is making the hard steps to become an RN. she literally works and goes to school constantly. I haven't seen her in months because of it and the other day was the first time I've seen her in a while. I know I've sent you pics of me, her & Alli doing art night together. You may have not recognized her. She's been a sweet friend and she has a gentle spirit. I don't like how she treats her dog but that's the only thing personally that's rubbed me wrong about her. 

I feel bad for making fun of her and not telling you all of this, that's why I'm embarrassed. I don't always handle those kind of situations well. Not an excuse, though. Anyway, she was insanely exhausted that night because it was the first night she'd had off in a very long time.  

I also feel bad for laughing through her movie. Even though we are playful with movies not everyone is and some people will take it as making fun of something they feel comfortable sharing with us. I do my best to never make people feel uncomfortable with sharing themselves with me so I felt crappy about it afterwards (even though I would've been laughing internally). Even if it was a crappy movie to me, it probably meant something to her for her to want to share it with us. And as a friend, I like to try to step into that other persons shoes and see what it is that spoke to them from that art. 

All art is subjective. Like the phrase, one mans trash is another mans treasure. It spoke to her so it meant something to someone. For example, some foods which I like might be gross to you because you've had way better food most of your life. But if I shared that food with you, even if it didn't taste amazing to you, you'd want to try it because you know it made me happy. You might even try to see what it is about the food that I enjoy so much. Finding the beauty in things which you wouldn't normally.

That's what I do with most things when I am with someone else, if it is food or a movie or whatever it is that they are sharing with me...I look for the beauty in it, what might make them enjoy it. That's why I'm so open to trying things that most people would turn their noses to. This is what initially made me open to scat with you. I didn't understand but I knew there was something about it that you connected with. And because I liked you and was intrigued by you...I allowed myself to explore it & I discovered something incredible which I never would have discovered if I hadn't been open to the experience. 

So as a friend, I do my best for others to feel comfortable enough to open up with me so I can experience their world. Even if I don't understand it or even quite enjoy it, I find things I appreciate about it and I learn that person that way. I won't divulge her personal life but I understand why she related to that movie & taking the movie only symbolically...it relates back to her. We are vulnerable with who we are through the art, music, food and many things we share with our friends. We are literally opening the book of our hearts to people and letting them peer inside. So when we laugh at that movie, it might feel as though we are laughing at the very contents of her heart and pain she has gone through to make her who she is. I'm sure it made her feel bad. I need to talk to her, I could be overthinking it. It might not be that deep...sometimes it isn't. But even people who don't want to be deep...are. We are just taught as adults to wear an armor which makes us look like we aren't vulnerable or have feelings. She was with friends and we all usually get very vulnerable with one another & share art and stuff that means something to us. I could be taking it wrong with her but I'd hate to have made her feel that way. That's what we do in the program. It's hard but it's how we grow. You could see that with the tarot reading we did. We don't hide our hearts. 

I want to know it's safe for me to share my heart around you. That it's safe for me to bring you around my friends who I act a certain way with. Being kind hearted is very important to me. I really don't like making fun of people...I know that's something we've done together but it makes me feel icky. Because at the end of the day I know people are all trying the best that they can and if they saw me behind closed doors there is a lot they could make fun of. I relate to the underdogs of the world. I suffer from clinical depression & I'm a recovering alcoholic. I didn't grow up with the best home life & I've got baggage. Welcome to the human experience. None of us are perfect. I don't like meanness & I try to avoid it & call it out when I see it. So I've felt so bad about indulging in the guilty pleasure of making fun of other people. 

This is why I've worried that you're secretly judging me or making fun of me. You've said some harsh things about people who aren't so different from me. Like Summer or even that guy who Gabby is dating. Addicts and alcoholics suffer from the same kind of addiction. They aren't losers, they may act like it at times. They aren't damaged goods, they definitely feel like it at times but they aren't. I'm not. I used to believe I was but I see the truth now. I'm fucking gorgeous the way I am and I wouldn't change one moment of it. I love my depth, I love who I've become. My story can be there to help others. Hope isn't lost until you are dead. I believe in redemption and I have no more a right to tell other people they won't make it or they don't deserve it than anyone else. I'm not judge and juror. 

I just feel people's stories are a lot deeper than most people want to see and people make snap judgements about others. It's easier to do that than to relate to someone and see how you could even be in their shoes. That's why I wanted you to watch that one video about Alan Watts sharing Carl Jungs thoughts on the shadow. 

Forgiveness and not holding onto anger towards others has been essential in my life. 

At the end of the day I cannot control people and their actions, they will do as they please. I can love people from afar but I love all humans. I forgive all humans. Because I believe at our core we are beautiful and innocent. Yes, even the worst of the worst. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be punished or face consequences but mockery & mean spiritedness is not unnecessary & cruel. It only gives me a momentary high but hurts others for no good reason. Criticism given without love is hurtful not helpful and they leave marks on a person that may last a lifetime. Think of the words you still remember to this day from people who said or did something hurtful to you. Even if you forgive them or don't let it get to you...it leaves a scar. We all like to act like we don't care about the world and it's people but humans are deeply vulnerable to the words of others especially when being open and thinking they are safe. 

It's scary to share what I like with you because I feel like you judge it. You may have better musical or cinematic taste or even better taste in food but you haven't seen the movies through my eyes nor tasted the food the way that I taste it. See the world through the eyes of another. 

It made me sad that you don't like writing in our journal. I was always excited to see what you were writing. It was very disappointing. You don't write songs for me. He wrote me a letter but it seemed so redundant. Not exciting. 

I like going on dates with you. You're cute and give me cute gifts. 

I also wanted a way for us to be able to get to know each other better. Could he draw me pictures? Smoke screen? Lol 

And then he doesn't really like talking but he will do it. He is kind of boring to me, emotionally anyway. He's smart but doesn't want to use it and only shows me his emotional maturity when something is wrong. 

jellie

Jaysen pushing for the birth control made me sad. 

Not being pregnant again was a let down. I have to deal with it on my own.

jellies

I just feel Jaysen is obsessed with the maiden phase of development. A lot of people get stuck there. Especially if you stop growing spiritually. Which he isn't actively engaged in doing. 

He doesn't want to have a child with me. 

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