Also, I'm not sure that I want to show my boobs to one of his friends because his wife has saggy boobs. That is definitely objectification of me. Especially since he's not cool with me showing off my body on my own terms. I didn't agree with him to be in control of everything. It makes me feel like I'm a prize to him.
What would sex look like to me? Honestly sex doesn't mean much to me anymore. I wish it meant more to me than a hit of pleasure or a nice way to say I love you. Orgasms make me uncomfortable. I wish I could have what I had when I was younger but I know now that was only just a dream.
Sex is unappealing to me in a lot of ways. Emily pointed out that my deep fetish openness could have something to do with the fact that it felt otherworldly to me & that's what I experienced with Kirene.
Girls my age were all reading books and dreaming of their soulmates. I believed I had one like many others similar to me. I knew it would be otherworldly. Just like I knew my life would be. My life now is other worldly, just as I imagined.
But my relationships...they don't feel that way to me. I have found otherworldly feeling relationships and they end up being highly destructive and supporting my fantasy world mindset. I don't want to refuse to grow up and be stuck in peter pan land. I don't know what a healthy sexual/romantic relationship looks like. Perhaps Samuel is farther along than I am.
I know have to keep working on myself. I think most people my age eventually learned that those fairytale weren't real or atleast not what they thought it was.
In my case the exact opposite happened. I believed that it was all true. I lived it as my truth. It was my reality. But then 2011 happened. It changed everything. I couldn't fly, not in the way I thought I could. Not in that moment, anyway. I found that there were some limitations. That sometimes, one does concede to the universe, in this realm at least. But somehow it made me real...it made the universe real...it wasn't just a dream.
But then what I experienced...was it just a dream? How do I let it go? Cruelty, it is a sharp weapon.
Where do I go from here? What does sex mean to me? What does that spice of life called romance mean to me? I imagined it would be very colorful. Full of wonder. Lots of adventures...games, laughter, love.
I'm going to do EMDR on it. I need to do it on it so that I can continue to move forward.
Emily's betrayal, Kirene's predatory energy, fantasy beliefs,
I guess I worry if I change, Jaysen won't be interested. That our sexualities won't match up anymore. I needed so much more trust with him because I have been hurt by him without him meaning to.
Sex means too much to me. Yet I treat it like it doesn't. It's a doorway to my deepest feelings. I suppose it's not such a mystery to me. Sex was supposed to be mind blowing because there was deep trust and authenticity developed there first. We rushed into having sex before developing a relationship. Before really knowing what the other person needs and wants emotionally, physically & mentally.
I thought I could explore my sexuality with you, Jaysen. Originally that's what I was interested in. A partner to explore kinkier parts of myself with. But then I started growing feelings for you. You were hilarious, cute, kind & I felt a real connection with you. I wanted to be in a relationship with you. I did feel real feelings growing for you. I loved how open you were. I loved how attentive you were. You were interesting and had cool hobbies.
But I wasn't planning to get into a relationship and so our sexual relationship changed for me because sex became about US & not just me exploring my sexual fetishes with a partner that I liked. That was the area where I am uncertain how to even ask for what I want or need. I have felt like I am asking for too much when it comes to matters of the heart.
Feelings I want during sex
To be truly seen at a soul level
To feel comfortable, trusting and open
My heart space to be totally safe, validated, seen & held
Freedom from thoughts, ego & selfishness
Loving embrace
No fear
Like flying
Ability to cry
Adventure, exploration
Magic
Worthiness
Respect
Kindness
Passion
Feeling like you have the desire to truly know me. To check in with me emotionally. To understand that it what truly matters the most to me. That is what makes me feel the most heard.
I want our love to be something my mate would die for. We would literally burn the whole world down for one another. There is no one who could separate us. The intensity of a thousand suns.
Someone who do anything for me, no fear. No place they would not go, complete submission. Someone who enter the void with me. Lose their mind with me.
Complete dissolve their identity with mine. Someone who would ascend to higher realms with me. Go on mystical journey's with me. Find the magical realms with me. Explore the depths of the unconscious with me. Brave is an understatement. Intelligent but willing to explore everything with me. Never bored because there is so much more to be seen.
Enjoys the present moment with me. Worships me like a goddess.
We are the chosen one's.
Why would someone who is as smart as he is not see that what I want is emotional connection? Is he playing me? Why do I feel like he's chameleoning me?
Lots of prayers but he doesn't pray.
Saying he believes it's god pouring god into god but then he doesn't believe in anything.
Saying he doesn't know what synchronicity is then he keeps a list of 'occurances'. Which I only found out about because I saw it not because he told me.
Saying he's happy but then saying I don't want to know what's in his mind.
Finding out he used to have depression.
Talking about the things which I am interested in are really deep subjects and acts like that isn't his interest.
Then during a picnic saying that he is interested in people's psychology. That he wanted to help people but he didn't like all the writing he would have to do. Mentioned that he hates giving reports. So I guess he hates writing. He is deep. How does he not see that? There is some weird hypocrisy happening.
He talks about being kind but then says really rude and vicious things about people behind their backs. He talks about having trouble forgiving.
What else does he keep from me? Why did he keep the occurances things from me when he knows that is interesting to me?
Does he actually listen to me or really comprehend what I am saying? Does he just pretend to understand?
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