queer experience

Cloud Atlas 

Matrix

27 years old, when I came out as nonbinary/trans but almost killed myself 

Fae

The prophecy was to be fulfilled there was to be a hero or a heroine. But instead it was someone gender free. Everyone believed fae was a freak and dangerous. They bullied, ignored or betrayed fae. They underestimated fae! 

Fae chose to channel this anger and pain into love and acceptance and strength for all the downtrodden. And forgave faer abusers. The ones who were prophesied to be saved really were magically transformed from this love just like fae had always imagined. Faer dream came true...but just as they say revenge leaves one empty, so did forgiveness. 

The powerlessness of what fae had gone through was the irony of faer's position. Fae didn't realize fae had wanted to forgive out of spite, to transmute anger because there was so much inside of faer. 

Fae was taught that, that anger was only a bad force. Never shown that boundaries are ok. Never taught how to have agency and autonomy. 

I don't want to just trust anyone. I want to be cautious of others. 

goals

Life goals

Work on art room, cleanse energy, finish commission, work on unfinished pieces, keep branching out, connect with other artists and the community. Find time to devote to the craft and growing and learning. 

Continue magical expression through connecting with fairies and making space with them. Playing with them. Laughter, fun, good energy. Stay emotionally clean. Witchcraft. Energy work. Energy cleaning and healing. 

Exercise, stretch, work on diet and health. Work on mental health, spiritual health. Relationship health. More balance, rest and play. Try to allow space for my own thoughts and time with myself. Don't over think things. It dishoners the truth of reality. Trust in your truth. 

Contact spiritual teachers like mark and charis 

Should I be talking to Tristan? Or Danyele? 

Non binary, what's next? 

Jaysen, what's next? 

story idea

Story about the beast, addiction and overcoming through beast. 

sync

Watching horror comedy. See lady who looks like she was in the office and right after I mentioned that she said, 'that's what she said.' 

sexual confusion

My dad left my mom because he wasn't willing to not explore BDSM. If she wasn't willing to try being a sub then it was a no.

Mom knew dad had growing up to do but she never tried to control him like his mother did. She also didn't want to be controlled by him. She just wanted to be equal. Sex was fun but she married him and wanted it time be about love...not power & control. She was gang raped when she was 9 years old. And raped several more times growing up. No one ever got in trouble. Things were kept hush hush back then. She even says sometimes she feels she gained is much weight so guys wouldn't be attracted to her so she could feel safe. 

This was my parents story. Growing up sex wasn't discussed not much except that I should be careful. Dad gave me the birds and bees talk which was moms job. 

I dreamed of falling in love and having sex because of love. Then everything changed when they told me his darkest fantasies at the age of nine. In some ways, I was violated. Too young to be OK. 

I heard things from men about what they wanted in a woman. Dad said the most beautiful thing in a woman is giving him full access to have sex with her anytime he wanted. So I told myself I'd always be willing to have sex. I heard a guy say he didn't like virgins so I wanted to be experienced. 

I had an ex who cheated on me with this black, skanky meth head and he said he wished I was more like her. That she was confident. 

My dad left my mom over his sexual desires, my ex cheated on me with some low life over his sexual desires. He told me women all have sex the same way & I was too selfish in bed. Brandon told me that women can't handle a man or stay present enough to handle a man. 

Apparently I was just like all the other girls, disposable. 

I wanted to fall in love. I wanted romance. I wanted sex to mean something. I didn't want it to be about just getting off. But I got everything so twisted up. 

my inner reality

Joker/misfits culture 

Bohemian, release of care

Body double, addiction monster

Inner council