It’s up to allies, and cisgender allies in particular, to learn to start respecting the pronouns we’re asked to use. If someone tells you they use they/them pronouns, you should practice referring to that person as “them,” because that’s what they asked you to do. If someone you’ve known your whole life as a “she” suddenly starts asking you to refer to them as “he,” you make an effort, and do so. You will almost certainly make mistakes. That’s understandable. Apologize and move on. But being an ally means putting your own comfort second.
Why Stating Pronouns is Important
Trans, non-binary, and other gender non-conforming groups have introduced cisgender people to the practice of stating pronouns during introductions. For someone who has never had to question their pronouns, it’s not always a routine thing to do, and often we need reminding to do it. This just means when you meet someone new, you say something along the lines of “Hi, my name is Gena and I use she/her pronouns.”
For people who are cisgender, this might sometimes feel like stating the obvious. But here’s why it’s important: It’s not for you. And sometimes, it’s important to put cis-privilege to use in some way that actually contributes to equality, instead of overpowering the conversation. So even if introducing the habit of adding pronouns to your “Hello my name is” routine is a little awkward at the beginning, that’s okay. You’ll get used to it. Eventually, normalizing using pronouns every day will make it so that when people who are not cisgender use them, they don’t “stick out” as much.
What this means is if there is a group of ten people introducing themselves, and only one of those people states personal pronouns in their introduction, that person sticks out a bit, inadvertently being spotlighted. They want their pronouns respected, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be obvious to everyone in the room that they are not cisgender. However, if everyone in that room says their pronouns in the introduction, that one person blends right in, and doesn’t need to be isolated.
It’s worth noting though, that some people don’t feel comfortable stating their gender pronouns publicly, and just because you state yours it does not entitle you to everyone else’s. Usually, asking is okay! But if you’re concerned about outing someone, do so in a private environment when possible.
Some people’s internal identity might not exactly match their external presentation (as you perceive it). However, being referred to as the pronoun they feel most comfortable with can go a long way to improving their day, and does very little to inconvenience yours. Plus, it might increase their respect for you, and maybe even their quality of life a bit. When you use someone’s preferred pronouns, you’re acknowledging that you have respect for who they are as a human being. So, if you see someone’s social media has “they/them” on it, you know how to refer to them. It goes beyond “Hi my name is…”. There are lots of other places that we can normalize pasting our pronouns in so that people who don’t identify within traditional binary gender norms don’t have to stick out.
Places to consider adding your pronouns
Work or school email signature
Social media bios (Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc)
Business cards
“Hello my name is” tags at events or conferences
Before you do a presentation (e.g., “Hi, my name is Thomas Edison, I use He/Him pronouns, and today I’m going to talk to you about this cool new invention of mine called the lightbulb”)
In sum, if everyone states their pronouns clearly from the start, not only does it reduce the chance that someone ends up being misgendered, but it also lightens the onus for those outside the binary. Inclusion happens slowly, and sometimes in the form of your Twitter bio.
Punching down vs. punching up humor
Humor has long been used as a positive social tool, helping to bridge gaps between communities, share information, and understand the world. However, it has the potential to negative as well. Jokes at the expense of the LGBTQ community, which are often labeled reductively as “gay jokes,” can be funny. But they are often discriminatory and destructive, serving as a reproduction of oppressive social norms that have haunted the LGBTQ community for generations. Jokes at the expense of the LGBTQ community are just one example of the negative potential of humor, but this is connected to a larger struggle.
Collective liberation is the recognition that all of our struggles and identities are intimately connected, and that working together is necessary to create a better world. It is the belief that every person is worthy of dignity and respect and that, within systems of oppression, everyone suffers. What’s so funny about that? And what does it have to do with media, comedy, and non-LGBTQ people making a joke at the expense of the LGBTQ community? The answer is something that is often described as “punching down.”
The ideas of “punching down” and “punching up” are useful in understanding how to tell a joke about a vulnerable identity or community. The distinction between the two allows for a nuanced discussion about these kinds of jokes, rather than applying a blanket ethics of "good" or "bad" and calling it a day. As is often the case, the distinction comes down to social privilege. Jokes at someone’s expense can be funny-- this piece is not meant to be prescriptive. However, it is crucial to consider the context and consequences of a joke. Punching down might seem harmless, but it has far-reaching and dangerous implications.
One popular framework that describes the ways that a joke that punches down can perpetuate discrimination is the discrimination pyramid. The discrimination pyramid is often used in the social sciences to describe the ways that attitudes create beliefs, which create verbal expressions of biases (including bigoted jokes), which eventually serve to further interpersonal and social experiences of violence and oppression. Punchlines don’t have to be at LGBTQ people’s expense in this way--they might be about LGBTQ people. Calling attention to the jacked up systems that keep LGBTQ people unequal can still be funny. While this might seem to have a lot to do with the content of the joke itself, it's also important to consider who is telling it.
Punching up can be understood as a subversive act by a vulnerable person in the face of violence and oppression. But the same joke told by someone who is not subject to the kind of oppression the joke references radically alters its meaning. Not everybody is the same, and we need to acknowledge that we all move through the world differently.
The bottom line is that it just isn’t all that funny to perpetuate systemic oppression. This statement isn't oppressing the cisgender or straight people of the world by asking them to take a second of their time to think about the consequences of their joke, and how their identity figures into those consequences. It’s lazy to do otherwise. Jokes that punch down are both a symptom and reproduction of kinds of oppression that do not apply to the person telling the joke.
The LGBTQ community is no stranger to people punching down at us. Trans women, for example, have been the butt of jokes in the cis, white dominated entertainment industry for as long as I can remember. Bisexual+ (bi, pansexual, fluid, queer, etc) people, also, are often the butt of jokes by both straight and gay people, contributing to a larger problem of exclusion and erasure that keeps bisexuals+ at higher risks for poor physical, emotional, and social health. Understanding the nuances of discrimination isn’t easy, but being mindful and open to criticism is a good starting point.
Understanding punching up and punching down allows us to critique jokes that perpetuate discrimination, while also allowing room for jokes at the expense of those who would perpetuate oppression. LGBTQ people punching up takes back agency from their oppressors, furthering the possibility of a livable life for all vulnerable people due to our collective struggle.
Comedians, writers, and media professionals have a responsibility to acknowledge their position in relation to the subject of their content. Punching down doesn’t solve any problems, it just creates them. We can do better. I promise
