I walked to our special hiding spot. It had been many years since I had visited you. I had promised myself that I would let you go. I had worked so hard to keep you from my mind that I'd forgotten the sound of my own heartbeat.
In the clearing, I could smell the crisp air and the energy had completely changed yet was somehow still the same. It was eerie the way the night cloaked the old tree which we had spent so many nights together underneath. I had felt this way many times in my life but I never thought I'd see our little safe haven this way. It seems that death touches everything, even that which I had thought was safe from the thief of time.
But, in my hand I held your amulet which you had given to me when I was a young girl and deeply in love with you. I had promised this heart of mine to you and into that amulet I had whispered those words, "Forever and Always." I didn't believe I could ever love again but I knew I would die if I didn't let you go. You showed me the darker reality of our existence together. Our love which had originally saved me turned into poison which would twist and mutilate my heart.
I wanted a second chance at life. So much has happened since I made that decision. My heart wasn't protected from the rains of time. I knew one day I'd come back here. I always hoped I would want to open the door again. Laying down the amulet onto the foot of the tree, roots groaned from underneath the soil and swallowed the necklace back into the earth. The action signified my final release. Putrid air from within me was expelled like a thunderous belch.
I understood so little about the woman I was now. I had been terrified to look at her. I was afraid of what I would see. She wasn't the one I had ever intended to become. The truth is, I never really wanted to live passed 18. Not as a human, anyway. But the spell over my heart had been broken. I had been reborn into a new women. The only way to escape my deadly fate was to turn away and never look back. If I looked back to the fires of Gomorrah, I would be turned to ash. My true self, locked away in my heart was like Medusa & if I looked into her eyes I would be turned to stone.
This is what I feared. But the truth is, I just couldn't bear to accept the girl in the mirror. I wanted to remain forever innocent. Kirene was the guardian of my innocence. But even he couldn't hold off the monsters forever. They were living inside of me, in my mind and heart and there was truly no one who could stop them.
The world around me changed. Images flashing around me. Some of them made sense but mostly I was in a swirling vortex of possibilities. Anger rising inside of me like a terrible storm. The love that lived inside of me had changed into something far more sinister. I wanted to hurt and be hurt. This funny feeling that I can't escape. The menacing woman inside of my mind laughs and invites me to enter the deepest parts of my heart. It had never died. It was being resurrected. There was new life being created. The Skeleton Woman could see through all of the chaos to the creative potential of my life.
There is a river running through my spirit. She is a living and breathing entity. I am always in awe of her beauty, strength and power. She flows wherever there is least resistance. She does not struggle to find her way through this life. She is a life giving force. Everything she touches, she feeds. I was so afraid that I was dead inside but in reality I have been travelling through the years with her energy moving me forward. When I thought I died in 2011, she was there bringing life into my mind and spirit. She is a fire that sets the entire forest ablaze. She is both a creative and destructive force. She takes life and she gives it. She is the mother to us all. I am in her and she is in me. I am never alone with her there. Mother, tell me! Where is my father? Has he forsaken us?
You're not looking for a father, you are looking for yourself. Why? I don't want to make love to a man. I don't want to make love to another human. They are all poison. Their minds are filled with fear and selfishness. I cannot open my heart to someone who holds impure intentions for me. I will never forgive myself. Little Ellie would never forgive herself.
Don't lie, you want that intimacy almost as if you were starving for something to eat. You know your spirit needs it to grow. You are afraid you will never be able to open yourself to it. Any time you have tried, the man has been the wrong one. Is Jaysen the one? My consciousness told me that he isn't. But I want to make love to him. Not even because I think he's the one. I just want it to be time to have that intimacy. It's like I want to prove to myself that it's possible. Plus, I cannot be with him longterm if I can't have that with him. But that would also mean that I trust him with one of my most prized possessions. Do you want to give that to someone who you feel objectifies you? He isn't the one to share that with. It's not wrong to be with him or to get your rocks off with him. He is fun. But is he really able to handle your truth? There isn't just darkness here. There is precious life force which gives me the ability to navigate everything in my life. I don't trust him. I don't think I need to try to make love to someone who is giving me red flags. I have ignored it in the past and deeply regretted it.
There is a reason I don't trust him with that. Is it wrong for us to be dating? I mean, we're not married. Is it a waste of time?
I don't want it to affect my spiritual journey. If that is the case than I don't think he's someone I need to fuck with. I very much enjoy the time we share but if I cannot share those intimate places with him then I will be stifling my growth. I'm not here just to have fun. I do want to have fun but that's not all I'm here for.
That's not enough of a challenge for me. I want to grow. Let me try to open my mind to what it would like.
He reaches out and takes my hand. Together we step into the open cosmos. We are dancing in the ever unfolding universes around us. You are my best friend. I know I can trust you with the deepest parts of myself. You see the pain that I have experienced throughout my entire life. You see the words I have been unable to express, in turn I see you. The real you. There are no masks between us. No games to be played. Just the real us, even the parts that we normally move to hide. I am completely open with you about my fears and how hard it has been to keep going sometimes. We talk about our childhood, we talk about the dreams we had when we little. How we both would look at the moon and stars and wonder what was all out there. How our dreams had always been too big for this small town. I always knew I'd find you one day. That you'd take me from this place and our adventures would be neverending. That our life together would be like a dream. People would be jealous of us together. Laughter would fill our lungs every single day. There would never be a day when we doubted our love for one another because we would consistently show to each other that we could trust one another. Not because we were perfect but because we never wanted to hurt the other person. It would feel like we could read each other's minds. That we could feel what each other were feeling. Being together would be like living life in technicolor. It would be like a million fireworks going off at once. There would be so much awe in our hearts. I think that's what I would feel most of the time, starstruck. Like a shooting star had come from the heavens and that celestial being found me. You are more beautiful than words could ever describe. When I am with you, I am utterly taken aback. I have never seen someone who is more perfect than you are. Together we would be on top of mount Everest. There would be no bounds to our love. It would feel as though we were racing through space at top speeds and being shown just how truly incredible this universe is. There would be nothing stopping us. The way it feels to be a bird in an endless open sky. Free, untamed...open to it all. That's what making love could feel like. That's what living a true and happy life could feel like. Making love is a way of living, it is not just an act. To live true to your heart...to not be ruled by your fears. It is a truly beautiful existence,
