goals

Life goals

Work on art room, cleanse energy, finish commission, work on unfinished pieces, keep branching out, connect with other artists and the community. Find time to devote to the craft and growing and learning. 

Continue magical expression through connecting with fairies and making space with them. Playing with them. Laughter, fun, good energy. Stay emotionally clean. Witchcraft. Energy work. Energy cleaning and healing. 

Exercise, stretch, work on diet and health. Work on mental health, spiritual health. Relationship health. More balance, rest and play. Try to allow space for my own thoughts and time with myself. Don't over think things. It dishoners the truth of reality. Trust in your truth. 

Contact spiritual teachers like mark and charis 

Should I be talking to Tristan? Or Danyele? 

Non binary, what's next? 

Jaysen, what's next? 

story idea

Story about the beast, addiction and overcoming through beast. 

sync

Watching horror comedy. See lady who looks like she was in the office and right after I mentioned that she said, 'that's what she said.' 

sexual confusion

My dad left my mom because he wasn't willing to not explore BDSM. If she wasn't willing to try being a sub then it was a no.

Mom knew dad had growing up to do but she never tried to control him like his mother did. She also didn't want to be controlled by him. She just wanted to be equal. Sex was fun but she married him and wanted it time be about love...not power & control. She was gang raped when she was 9 years old. And raped several more times growing up. No one ever got in trouble. Things were kept hush hush back then. She even says sometimes she feels she gained is much weight so guys wouldn't be attracted to her so she could feel safe. 

This was my parents story. Growing up sex wasn't discussed not much except that I should be careful. Dad gave me the birds and bees talk which was moms job. 

I dreamed of falling in love and having sex because of love. Then everything changed when they told me his darkest fantasies at the age of nine. In some ways, I was violated. Too young to be OK. 

I heard things from men about what they wanted in a woman. Dad said the most beautiful thing in a woman is giving him full access to have sex with her anytime he wanted. So I told myself I'd always be willing to have sex. I heard a guy say he didn't like virgins so I wanted to be experienced. 

I had an ex who cheated on me with this black, skanky meth head and he said he wished I was more like her. That she was confident. 

My dad left my mom over his sexual desires, my ex cheated on me with some low life over his sexual desires. He told me women all have sex the same way & I was too selfish in bed. Brandon told me that women can't handle a man or stay present enough to handle a man. 

Apparently I was just like all the other girls, disposable. 

I wanted to fall in love. I wanted romance. I wanted sex to mean something. I didn't want it to be about just getting off. But I got everything so twisted up. 

my inner reality

Joker/misfits culture 

Bohemian, release of care

Body double, addiction monster

Inner council 

sync town

1/23/21 

I was playing Depeche Mode on the drive to Jaysen's apartment. 

Then when we were watching Weird Science we and depeche mode poster was in the background 

An Important Dream

I had a dream about speaking across space and time. A king who could speak to me through time. He said that we meet in every incarnation. Sometimes I'm the guy, sometimes he is the girl. But we always meet. We don't always like one another? I saw a lifetime where I tried to take a woman's baby and her younger son. Because I was supposed to be with them when they got older. She ended up shooting me in the head. 

But before that I showed the young boy a lighter made of wood. Told him it was special. 

I escaped a ship that a sea monster attacked. It was a story of great legend. 

The king told me of our love. That this lifetime was one about self love. But I told him I wanted this to be about interdependence. 

Then I dreamed of everyone who was learning the same thing in this lifetime...one about self love. It confused me...I thought of Charis & then I felt I was ascending another level. She mentioned I would ascend many levels. 

I began speaking to Sam and he told me he didn't believe it was simply about self love or me finding my true love. It was more, a lesson I was trying to teach myself. I saw that in some lifetimes I did terrible things. He was saying that was still there inside of me.