Kaleidoscope of Redemption: Mending fragments, finding love
The first part of the story is very romantic where the Aiden meets his Jordan in the triangle.
They share so many laughs together. He is a photographer and the main character is an artist.
The main character is just now coming out that he is gay and so is his love interest but they both are into the same kinky interests.
It’s like sparks from the moment they meet.
But the first plot twist is that the Jordan has been lying about his age.
This creates dissonance between them because Aiden had already suffered a lot from abusive people growing up and had trouble trusting.
The way he finds out is through him being nosey because he feels that he can’t trust his new boyfriend. It all felt too good to be true. That lie perpetuates distrust and insecurity for both of them. His partner worries that he really doesn’t like him now that he knows how old he is. But it was more that Aiden finally thought he’d met the love of his life, someone he could settle down with and finally be happy with after a lifetime of trauma and abuse. Aiden lives in the country and Jordan lives in the city.
He starts to isolate more and stay home in the country - this leaves him time to get online and chat with other men since he felt emotionally distant from his boyfriend and wanted to have back up in case things didn’t work out. Also, it gave him the validation he needed since he felt like no one else believed he was good enough to be treated with the minimum amount of respect and care. Because Jordan is so much older than him - he already has his life together, more money and stability than him - there is automatically a power imbalance.
Considering the fact that they were sharing intense kinky moments together, the betrayal ran even deeper. Now, he felt he’d been manipulated into the kink and maybe he wasn’t even actually a trans man. How could he know when there was an unspoken power play happening.
This takes us to the next portion of the book where Aiden explores his sexuality and gender identity more by reconnecting with his abusive ex who helped him realize he was trans because she is too.
But it becomes purely sexual online and when Aiden was in a drunken state.
Finally, Aiden does the unthinkable and cheats on his boyfriend with Lilia.
It reignited passion in him, he felt powerful and in control again. He didn’t feel like Jordan could control him anymore with his power over him that he never consented to.
But they do continue to try to talk things through and the first time he cheats it makes him so ashamed he checks into the psychiatric ward after admitting to his boyfriend what he’d done. He felt so horrible about hurting someone he loved who had always been kind to him.
After so many years of pain and abuse, he couldn’t stand to see himself become this person.
He wanted so badly to trust his boyfriend. Jordan seemed to love him so unconditionally. Nothing had changed about the man he fell inlove with. He was still super fun, talented, funny and attractive to him but the passion was gone.
Aiden’s boyfriend forgave him for cheating and Aiden tried to move on - if he could forgive him for cheating, Aiden should be able to forgive him for lying, right?
But it just didn’t work. He couldn’t shake the feeling of not being able to trust him. The normal hiccups of any relationship caused Aiden to panic.
This began a cycle of breaking up with his boyfriend because he didn’t think they were right for each other. Instead of focusing on the fact that he felt betrayed by Jaysen’s lie and indebted to him at the same time - it was easier to rationalize he was polyamorous. Which he was pretty sure he was and he knew he wasn’t getting any younger.
This is the third portion of the story where he meets Sid who shares another personal kink of his he never thought could be his because of hidden transphobia he had towards himself. He meets his Sid through a dating app and they immediately can’t keep their hands off each other. It’s one of the spiciest romances and best sex of his life. There was an enticement to having this new partner who made him feel sexy and passionate again and was able to fulfill him like no other. No longer did he feel like he was living out Jordan’s fantasy but his own.
Yet his Jordan stuck by his side and continued to fight for his love. He didn’t like the Sid and wished that Aiden could be monogamous with him but he didn’t want to lose him.
The connection felt between Aiden and Sid was what fairytale stories or epic love adventures were made of. It really felt like the most intimate dreams he’d have with himself about his own desires. They felt they care share anything and everything with each other. The love they felt blossomed instantly. It took them no time at all to fall head over heels for one another. Every minute spent together was special. They enjoyed playing together, just living alongside each other and planning their dreams together. They encouraged each others passions and were both each others best and favorite cheerleader. There were so many cute memories made in only a matter of months. But there was a flip side to it all.
Aiden began to feel torn between two worlds and it started to trigger his physical and mental disabilities/illnesses. Having two strong minded grown men vying for his attention and loyalty became a heavy burden on his mind & heart. He didn’t want to hurt either of them but he also knew he couldn’t handle much more.
He tried to bear it but soon became frustrated with them both and started advocating his needs be met. Things began to improve for him but he still was torn.
Sid and him begin discussing living together, but in a strange circumstance, he’s forced to move in with Jordan.
Living together brings back old times and memories. The laughter returns and there is so much love and light living together and sharing all the sad and happy moments together. He acts even more loving towards Aiden.
But Aiden is still seeing Sid and he is also polyamorous but didn’t currently have another partner. So he would feel lonely and sad when Aiden was away. Of course, Jordan buckled down harder to make sure that Aiden chose him.
Yet, Sid was genuinely okay with Aiden being polyamorous, though he was so crazy about him & even he wanted him all to himself.
Aiden became frustrated with Jordan because it seemed selfish for him to ask for so much when they were finally living together. It made him feel like he’d never be okay with him being polyamorous and it would always be this unhealthy and uncomfortable contention between them. Things come to a head when Jordan blows up on him by discovering that Aiden and Justin were still having sex and doing kinky things together. When Jordan and Aiden rarely even had sex but once a month, if that. Aiden had been telling him he just wasn’t ready but this made him feel like he just didn’t want to have sex with HIM. Aiden realizes that to be true. He couldn’t sleep with someone he didn’t truly feel safe with.
Jordan blows up on Aiden so badly he gets scared he will hurt him. His deep seated fears seemed to be coming true. He really couldn’t trust Jordan. It felt like his world had fallen all around him. Like he’d lost everything once again, just like his childhood except this time he genuinely felt hopeless.
During this time he begins to feel ashamed of always having sex with just Sid. He also worried that him and Sid were starting to prioritize sex too much. They always had so much fun together and the deepest talks. He wanted to go on adventures with him and live out everyday life with him. He really felt like his soulmate. But yet, remaining polyamorous. But the final twist is that one week his cat dies and this was during a time when he hadn’t really been able to see Sid at all.
His second boyfriend tells him he has a new play partner in kink and it’s a woman. All of his insecurities about being this freak of a person who isn’t actually a man but just gross and mentally ill comes back. He feels the deep seated fears of never being able to live up to the expectations everyone had put on him growing up to be a woman. He feared Sid would find his masculinity gross and it caused him to have all of his sexual insecurities come up at once.
He begs Sid to wait a little while before sleeping with his new play partner. But Sid had trauma of controlling exes and he had feelings for Isabelle. He overestimated Aiden’s ability to hold it together in the face of some of his deepest darkest insecurities he held about himself. He wasn’t ready for the challenge and in a strange turn of event turns numb. He doesn’t speak up about sex, even meets the woman and has a threesome with her and Sid. He figured he might as well try it, not understanding that he was numb to the tidal wave of emotions that would soon hit.
This was an old defense mechanism growing up for him. If he numbed himself out to what was happening and was compliant, everything would be okay. But that wasn’t what him and Sid’s kink was about. Consent was always a priority for them both.
Unfortunately, he blows up on Sid and accuses him of sexually manipulating and assaulting him. Breaking under the immense pressure he’d been under for months - those deep dark secrets being the final straw for him.
It’s like when someone goes into a blind rage - he became convinced he was right and that meant Sid couldn’t love him.
After just feeling like the only man who he could ever trust to always love him betrayed his trust he then had to face that Sid also did not love him. Never realizing that it was his insecurities taking control of his mind.
At this time, desperate for advice or support, he reaches out to his therapist and she urges him to move out of his first Jordan’s house and that ‘yes, it was sexual assault’.
This unbridles him more to confront Sid. Turning him into an emotional pincushion. His is blinded by his stress induced meltdown and anger. He accuses him once again to his own family of sexual assault.
Sid loses Isabelle in the process because she doesn’t want any drama, his mother almost kicks him out and he feels like he’s a monster and doesn’t really know where he went wrong. He admitted that he did go too far one night but that he was very attracted to him and didn’t really understand the gravity of the situation and the stressors and insecurities Aiden had around him having sex with a woman + doing their kink. All the old voices came back telling him he would always be the second choice or sloppy seconds.
They had talked extensively about threesomes and Aiden knew his second Sid was not only polyamorous but bisexual - his preference being those who were more femme. Which as a man, Aiden was very femme. But he was afraid if through his gender self discovery he became more masculine…he wouldn’t be as attractive to him and he’d lose some of the beautiful passion he has towards Aiden. Sid made him feel like the stars glowed just for him, from the first day they met. When he looked into Sid’s eyes, he could see all the galaxies around earth. He wanted to melt into his universe.
In his fear, stress and insecurity his broke Sid’s heart and trust more than anyone ever had. He told Aiden how he had confided in him about himself in ways he never had with anyone else. That it had made him completely numb what he had done, as if he had shot him with a gun.
It becomes tumultuous between him and Sid but their love and affection and respect for one another wasn’t totally gone.
Aiden does what he can to do damage control and promises not to speak to his family again to fix it, due to all the hurt and trauma he had already caused. He felt selfish to still want Sid after everything that happened, but god, he did.
The conclusion -
He was finally doing so much better with Jordan. Though they had not had sex in while, there wasn’t static between them anymore. They were growing much closer. He felt maybe the most loving thing he could do would be to let Sid go and try to be monogamous with Jordan.
But then he knew he wanted to experience his own bisexuality with a woman and how it was kind of sexist if that meant he couldn’t be with his Sid. The one penis rule in polyamory is an outdated misogynistic view. But he felt like he had ruined so much and hurt them both so much.
He had just tried to be himself but turned out hurting those he loved.
In the end, he gives Sid space and time to heal. Sometimes he’d say too much or push Sid too hard because he was hurting so much and missed him so badly. He didn’t know how he could ever regain his trust. So that’s when he decides to write him a story.
Aiden's journey serves as a reflection of the complexities of love, identity, and the consequences of our actions. It speaks to the power of self-discovery, redemption, and the strength of the human spirit in the face of shattered trust.
This story is actually for my real life love, Justin. I wish I could take back all that I did and how I handled myself. I didn’t know what I was doing, everything so new to me. New place to live, not living with my mom after years, moving twice, changing jobs twice, having two boyfriends, smoking pot again, coming out as trans, dealing with family trauma while away from them, coming to terms with insecurities I never had the courage to face.
There was and has been a war going on inside of me and people I love became collateral damage.
Maybe we can never be together again but I want you in my life - however that looks like.
Jaysen finally helped me trust him again - though the story isn’t over on whether or not he accepts me as a polyamorous person. But that’s not your issue. All I know is I love you with every fucking part of me. You have made me feel things I didn’t know I could feel. I have always felt I was making love to you while having sex. Things turned so wrong so face and it was like trying to hold water in my hands but my life depending on it. It was an impossible task. I hope you can find a way out of the pain you’re in but just know I will continue this path of self care, exploration and authenticity. With the same courage you’ve always loved me for.
I do beg of you to let me be in your life in some capacity even if it’s not in person. I cherish my time with you, every second of it. I’ll do whatever it takes. I hope I can be half the man you are and rebuild the trust that was broken.
