Dancing with Psyche

Perceptive heart

Aware of the world around you 

Sensitive to the smallest details

Diving deep into the depths of Psyche

You're no one's fool 

The freedom you yearn for

Is right behind the door of uncertainty

To fly is first to fall

With the very real chance of plummeting 

Never jump and watch the world slowly

Dissolve away everything that made you 

YOU

It's not so much about having strength

Or even courage 

It's a playfulness 

A curiousity about how far you can go 

Asking important questions are even

Better than having good answers

Be open, moonchild

You'll see... 

The adventure is still real 

Make that jump, don't wait until you're almost dead to come to terms with your soul

We are not permanent

We are visitors passing through 

Intrinsically you already understand

That's why you've always had anxiety

You see the masses flock

It's not that you're so different 

You just walk an uncharted path 

The compass within your being will guide the way

You yearn for a life which is remarkable

Never let the fire in you die

I said this so many time

Never give up

But the truth is, you can be resurrected many times over 

The soul can be resurrected from it's bones

The great mother is accustomed to creating from the great primordial void. 

So be reborn 

Come back to life

Let the celebration of life 

Rekindle the flames of passion

Until I found out that I'd do anything

To survive and eventually thrive 

I wasn't truly living 

You may be broken

But you can always recreate your self

You have this incredible creative power within you that you may not even know is there

If you're still reading this you are probably yearing for something more. 

Something more is what kept me from losing my sanity. 

I let go

And began to free fall

It wasn't flying but I also wasn't hitting the ground

I was immersed in warm light 

All around, I was completely supported

The surrender was the most surreal yet liberating feeling of my life

They say only those who tread lightly can be happy

But you've never felt the intensity of going to the darkest depths and then bursting out into belly laughter

Nothing compares to generating a feeling of pure, unadulterated freedom after seeing all of the ways in which we hold ourselves back 

You would never take that joyful feeling for granted 

Step out into the void 

She is calling to you like a siren

Don't hesitate because you're not ready 

There is only this moment 

Find you in you 

Understand these words not as truth but guide posts

Follow the breadcrumbs your soul leaves for you. It already knows what it takes. Trust me, it's all a part of the process. 

With every death to self

There is a new puzzle piece filled in 

The dots are connecting

The words spoken to me like drunken whispers of shadow dragons

Have new meaning in the light of 

Transformation

I refuse to just exist.

Life is more than Rorschach Tests

Life is more than Rorschach Tests

Do you box people in with labels? 

Present moment listening 

A forgotten art

We're lost in the next best thing

Living in the age of loneliness  

Have you boxed yourself in with your own

Unfulfilled expectations? 

A neutral stance is still a stance

We make choices every moment of every day 

What are we most afraid of? 

"We're most afraid of our own power."

I'm not trying to preach 

No more rescuers or do-gooders

It's only in the deep dive into ones shadow

That the truth is revealed

The dream is as real as the waking moments 

There is no wasted time

I saw the world through a million different eyes when I lost my mind

My young ego was obliterated before it was barely formed. 

'This is just the way things are.' 

I don't have the power to change. 

But it's not up to me

There's got to be something more than this. 

I danced between the nothingness and a life of meaning. I danced between God being a figment of my imagination & the transcendence of a universal spirit. I danced between giving it my all and not caring about anything anymore. Both were valid, yin-yang. I discovered a universe of dicotomies. 

I walked into the Hall of mirrors, every fear and hope reflected back...both a spiritual act and meaningless happening by accident. The truth is, whatever you think is truth is right. 

That's the trick and we are all screaming over one another. Our truths crashing into one another in a chaotic melody. 

But into our shadows we have refused to go. I lost that choice when my ego died. I was blessed in the inability to have a nuetral stance. Either I faced my shadow or my shadow would kill me. Death to self is true freedom. But it comes with a cost. 

Freedom is also power...walking on water. 

This power can just as easily turn into your own destruction if not faced with courage. 

Life is more than just Rorschach tests 

You are exactly where you soul intended for you to be. 

Listen 

It's not any different for anyone else. In all the nuance of life, there is a stream of consciousness running through us all. 

Adult Class 5 of 5 - Your Style

What you will need:

Pencil (if you don't have a sketching pencil, a mechanical pencil works pretty well)

Good eraser, not what's on the back of your mechanical pencil. I prefer kneaded erasers which you can find in the art section of stores

Sketching Paper

You should be able to find all of these at your local walmart or the sort

Pencil sharpener

Colored Pencils

Intro:

Finding your own style is a combo of several things. I would suggest getting on pinterest and searching for different types of art which you like. It can be nature themed, favorite flowers...fantasy, boho, abstract ect. You just want to start searching for different styles which are aesthetically pleasing to you and you feel drawn to you. Then I want you to start thinking back on things which interested you when you were a kid and a teen. Did you have a favorite band? How did they dress? What kind of art would they have had on their album covers? What style movies or shows are you drawn to? What are your favorite colors? How do you like to decorate your living spaces? What kind of books are you drawn to? What are some of your favorite memories, especially as a child? These will all help you to inform yourself of what sort of art style you enjoy. Id' also like you to think about if you've doodled in journals or drawn without thinking and what it looked like? Was it floral? Did you draw eccentric characters? Eyes? What were repeating themes? Then I want you to think back onto the abstract emotions class and think of the way you painted when you weren't trying to adhere to any rules. This will also hint at a natural style emerging. For me, I'm really big on using symbolism, bright colors, fantastical or surreal scenes & eyes eyes eyes. They are the window to the soul after all!

Getting started:

So like in our first two classes, now is a time to chill out and tune it. We are really wanting to get in touch with our deeper feelings, our interests and what makes us uniquely us. Your own style should represent the essence of who you are and what truly matters to you or excites you! Time to create a stress free zone - put on that music which really gets you in the zone, some delicious tea and incense. Assuming you've already created a pinterest board with types of art and asthetics or even subjects which interest you. You are going to want to pull that up and begin looking through it. Look back over your abstract painting and think back to any doodles or drawings you've done in the past. Mentally go back over cherished memories and childhood passions. You should begin getting a sense for what your internal landscapes look like. My own style is literally how I see the world in my minds eye and my views on life, what appeals to my aesthetically.

Jumping in:

With this in mind, I am going to attach an art piece that I want you to interpret with your own art style. Add lots of flowers around the border, use bright colors or create your own interpretation as an abstract piece. If you don't feel like you need or want a picture to help you get started than free style it! Create using your own style. Just remember...you're taking everything that you've gathered...colors which are your favorite or symbols which mean something to you. It should be something which you would enjoy if you saw it. No, we aren't looking for perfection because as we've learned before, there's no such thing with art. Allow not only your interests and personal style to guide your creating but also your emotions. Tune into to what you're feeling right now. Is it a happy day? Something frustrating you? Using your emotions to help guide you while creating will help you tune into your own creative genius. Ideas might just pop into your head, go with them. 

Adult Class 4 of 5 - Shading

What you need:

Pencil (if you don't have a sketching pencil, a mechanical pencil works pretty well)

Good eraser, not what's on the back of your mechanical pencil. I prefer kneaded erasers which you can find in the art section of stores

Sketching Paper

You should be able to find all of these at your local walmart or the sort

Pencil sharpener

Intro:

Learning to shade your sketches is another one of the essential basics to anyone drawing or painting. It's what will make your drawing 'pop'. Without it, it will be without depth. This is what will make your drawings or paintings stand out. The better you are at shading and understanding the way that light is hitting the object of your drawing/painting, the more realistic the shading will look. During sketching you, you won't have to worry about highlighting but that is just as important when painting. So the best thing you can do when you are working on shading is to get a really strong idea of where the light is coming from and how it is hitting your subject. This will really help you.

Getting started:

Make sure to clear out a space for your work. For this class, I would use a table and somewhere with good light. I have started using a lamp to shine down on my work, too many shadows can make it very difficult to see what you are doing. Minimal shadows is the best. Have all of your tools ready. Be sure to sharpen your pencil and then you're ready to go.

Jumping In:

So for shading you first have to identify where the source of light is coming from and the direction it is hitting the subject. In this picture it is hitting from the top of the head in front of their face and bottom. So there is basically a spotlight on them from above. Ok, so this is where style comes in. With some sketches I like to start with the outline. A well defined outline gives the sketch a more cartoonish look but it's also very professional looking and really makes it pop. If there isn't a well defined outline than I start with the area which has the bright light shining on it. So that would be the top of the head. I begin defining the contours of the face and especially under the chin. Start with the largest shadows all the way down. Remember, just like with the sketching...you are drawing shapes. Focus on the the shapes being correctly proportionate with what you've already drawn. This is where your technique for drawing will change. Turn the pencil to the side and use the side to shade in the shadow. You can light rub the shaded sections with your finger to blend it. Largest shadows first from the brightest spot all the way day. Then you go back and fill in the smaller details. This you only very lightly smudge in...some of them not at all. Also, you wont have to use the side of the pencil for smaller shading details because you need a smaller tip. Using your finger to very lightly smudge the shadow will be sufficient. Again, you will use the video I've attached to really get a good walk through of shading. 

Adult Class 3 of 5 - Sketching

What you need:

Pencil (if you don't have a sketching pencil, a mechanical pencil works pretty well)

Good eraser, not what's on the back of your mechanical pencil. I prefer kneaded erasers which you can find in the art section of stores

Sketching Paper

You should be able to find all of these at your local walmart or the sort

Pencil sharpener

Intro:

Learning how to sketch is the very basics for learning to do anything else. Even with my acrylic paintings, I sketch out what I am planning to paint first. If you can get sketching down than you will have a strong basis to begin with. Learning to sketch is something anyone can do, no matter your skill level. Techniques on how to sketch better and more easily is what I'm hoping to share with you. I have a few classes and took art as an elective in school but for the most part what I have picked up is from other artist friends and my own personal experience. It really does make a difference the kind of materials you use so I really would suggest investing a little extra to buy proper tools for this class. If you used a regular pencil, eraser and notebook or printing paper...you will struggle a lot.

Getting started:

Make sure to clear out a space for your work. For this class, I would use a table and somewhere with good light. I have started using a lamp to shine down on my work, too many shadows can make it very difficult to see what you are doing. Minimal shadows is the best. Have all of your tools ready. Be sure to sharpen your pencil and then you're ready to go.

Jumping in:

Attached with this email is a picture that you will be using for a reference. We will always start with basic outlines. The largest outlines of the body will be what you begin tracing. There are a few different ways to sketch but I'll be showing you my own technique. While I'm sketching I really like to draw lightly and in smaller segments. It makes it easier to erase if you need to which you likely will have to especially as a beginner. This is why I suggested a really good eraser. A bad eraser will leave eraser residue and smear in pencil marks. A bad pencil will still leave a faint mark on the paper and will end up making your sketches look really messy. After creating the main outline, you will begin working in the finer details, layer by layer. Don't be afraid to use the picture for a reference as much as you need to. Remember it will not look exactly the same, the point is that your own sketches proportions look right when looking at it by itself. We aren't worrying about shading right now as that will be addressed in the next class. Use my video for help with techniques and the process of completing the sketch.

Adult Class 2 of 5 - Feeling through Abstract

What you will need:
Stretched canvas or canvas board (8 x 10 is a good size)
Acrylic paints
Paintbrush or brushes
paper which can be recycled
Cup of water, I cut half of an empty water bottle and use it so I don't damage any of my cups

Intro:
Art offers a lot which can't be taught in any other subject. I've never felt it was just an elective class. When I taught an art class for the school that I graduated from the first thing most of the students told me is that they weren't artistic at all and that they didn't even know how to draw or paint ect. While, I won't deny that the great artists of our time certainly express talent and skill...being creative is something we are all naturally born with. It's just as important as learning to walk or to reason. Our creativity is what makes us human and allows us to discover who we truly are. So something I love about abstract art is the freedom it allows you to explore who you are and what you are feeling.
For this class, I really encourage you to remain open minded with what you create and do your best to step outside of the inner art critic. This is something that children are typically able to do because they haven't learned yet that they need to draw within the lines. It's ok to draw outside of the lines. For some of you, this lack of rules or structure might back you uncomfortable and for others this might be a walk in the park. Either way is ok! Personalities and the way you currently live life will definitely influence how you feel about doing this. But I urge you to give it a real try because the benefits are well worth it.

Getting started:
Just like before, we are going to start by creating a relaxing atmosphere. Make sure you have plenty of space to paint and to have your supplies close by. Again, I tend to paint on the ground just because I like all of the space which it gives me and I feel more open. It's not the easiest position on your back. So you may want to use and easel or a table if that is more comfortable for you. If that's the case you want need the paper to go underneath the canvas. Being comfortable is also very important. You want to be mostly distraction free & comfortable. This is time you are taking for yourself to slow down and be present. Music that I enjoy, a cup of tea and lit incense always make painting more pleasurable for me.
Make sure that you have all of your supplies then begin placing them out so that you won't have to go looking for something later.

Jumping in:
This next part is about getting still and listening. It may be strange at first but you're listening to what you are currently feeling. This is the really important part where you don't judge how you feel or decide something isn't a good enough feeling. It's ok if you're feeling stressed, bored, anxious, angry or any feeling which isn't positive. I want you to tune into those feelings. It's not about making them stronger, either. You're simply becoming aware of them being there as if shining a light on them. Then turn your attention to your paints & your canvas. Begin to envision what those feelings would look like if they were a color or a shape. Would the colors be very bright or more muted? Would the colors be dark? Would the shapes be solid and structured or erratic like splatters? Would colors be clear and crisp or mixed together? You obviously could be feeling several different feelings and make a mixture of something. Maybe something has been on your mind lately that words just quite can't cut..now is the time to paint it out. You can paint faces or actual images if you want. There really aren't any rules except that none of what pops into your mind is wrong! You may find it hard at first to begin or it may spill out of you like a dam breaking. Go with it either way. By the end of it, you're likely to feel a release from it. I have several artist friends who have used this method when they are angry and the abstract turned out quite beautiful albeit dark. Even if it's dark, a little scary or not as aesthetically pleasing as you want it to be - be proud of yourself for fully expressing your emotions onto canvas. This is good for anyone even if you don't want to pick up being an artist. But if you are looking to hone in on your skills as a artist...this is the perfect way to find your voice.  

Adult Class 1 of 5 - Dream Journals or Boards

What you will need:
Several old magazines
Glue stick
Clear packaging tape
Scissors
composition notebook or (preferably 20 x 30) foam board

Intro- 
I have made several dream boards over the years and then was inspired by a friend to start creating dream journals. I love things which are beautiful and practical. Not to mention, with a journal you are more likely to pick it up and look at it. The purpose of a dream journal or board is to put out intentions out of what you truly want. It's a way of envisioning your best life possible. As you are creating your journal/board - I want you to pick out the pictures which speak the most to you. Which bring you positive feelings such as joy or peace. The pics can represent real, solid dreams which you have such as going biking through Italy with a friend or it can be as simple as seeing wide open green fields gives you a sense of freedom. We are really just trying to invoke positive feelings so you can begin envisioning that for yourself. The more you can believe that you can be happy and live a good life...the more you will be open to the opportunities life presents you.

Getting started- 
First things first, gather up all the magazines you want to use. Just about any kind of magazine should have at least one or two things in it which you'll want to use. We will be using quotes and words as well, if we want to. I'd suggest finding 3 to 5 good magazines which have several pages of pics or quotes which inspire you.
Now that you've decided on which magazines you'll be using, it's time to pick between a notebook or a board. I have both so there will be two videos for either one you choose. If you choose a composition notebook, I always prefer the one's with hard front and back covers. It doesn't matter what the notebook looks like as you will be covering it up completely. For the foam board, a large size is preferable which is why I said 20 x 30 but if that is a little too intimidating for you to begin with, a smaller size is fine. You will not need packaging tape for the foam board.

Jumping in-
This is the longest part and the most fun. I'd suggest turning on some cheerful music which always puts you in a good mood, maybe light some incense or brew some tea. You really want this time to be about having fun and relaxing. Pick out pics which jump out at you. Depending on the kind of person that you are, you might want to stick with a theme...like dreams about travel or everything that fits with blues and reds. You can have it very sporadic as well and it will still be beautiful when you're done. If you're choosing for a journal I typically have two different aesthetic themes for either side of the journal. My dream journals are open and not very specific on dreams but I focus more on the asthetics. My dream board, I focus a lot more on specific things which I want.
Begin cutting out the pictures and quotes and have a place where you can keep them without them getting damaged. I enjoy doing this with the magazines stretched out over the ground. Yes, it's a little messy and little bits of magazine scraps can pile up so I would lay out paper of some kind underneath to make it easier to clean up later. If it's easier and more comfy to do it setting in a chair at a table, just make sure you have plenty of space for all of your magazines and to be able to see what you've cut out. When I see what I've already cut out, I can more easily stay in the creative flow of what I'm creating.
Alright, it's likely that you spent an hour maybe even two on picking out the perfect images and quotes for you journal. You may even take a break on it and come back to finish it. That's totally ok! You just want to go for as long as you can and enjoy yourself. But once you have picked out everything, now it's time to glue it on. Again, there are a few different ways to design the journal or board. For the journal, you can use a flower background with an uplifting quote ontop of it. Remember, we don't want to leave any empty spaces which is why it didn't matter what the journal looked like. First, you want to position everything on the journal to make sure it's the way you want it before you start gluing it on. Once you're satisfied you will begin gluing on the first layer. There are two ways to do it. You can apply glue onto the journal first and then carefully place the piece onto the spot. I prefer the second way which is to lay the piece flat in my palm and apply it on the back. That gives you the ability to apply glue to the edges of the cut out. But once it's stuck onto the journal, if any of the edges are sticking out you can always go back over it with the glue stick. Finish applying the pieces onto the journal & once you have everything the way you want it...I like to use clear packing tape to give it a laminated look. It keeps anything from tearing off during use of the journal or getting damaged.
With the board, you will not have to use clear packaging tape. You need only use the glue stick. You can completely cover the board or leave space. The background is white so it will not look bad if there are gaps. It also gives you room to add more later if you ever want to. Once you finish the board, I suggest putting it somewhere on display where you can look at it often and remind yourself of what you're wanting to will into existence.
 

Jaysen

Jaysen

Truth is, I'm so not sure about anything with him. He's very hard for me to put my finger on. He continues to surprise me. I start to feel I have him all figured out and then I realized that I've pegged him wrong. haha I really did peg him wrong. I was too rough with him. I injured him needlessly but I know that on some level we both wanted it. I was violent towards him and I liked it. It's not that I wanted to hurt him. But I liked being in control of him and not having to worry if I was hurting him. It felt good to not have to worry if he could take it or not. I knew he'd tell me if it was too much. I suppose maybe he felt the same way when he was shoving his whole hand up my ass. I feel vulnerable when I think about that. I was a little scared when it happened. Like what if I was injured in a permanent way. But I know that he would never want to do that. I suppose he's earned that much trust with me. My ass still hurts a bit. I like that he leaves marks on me. It makes me feel like he wants to have a presence on me. I'm very turned on by his boldness, his need to conquer things. His need to go deeper, harder, darker. It's like he entered the dark palace where I was...He entered it and he was not afraid, instead he was extremely turned on. It was erotic to him, to come play with the devilish thoughts that I had inside. There are dark things rattling around inside of me and they didn't frighten him. Never have I not felt the need to hide myself. He isn't frightened when I am honest with him either. He listens to me whenever I ask for what I need. He's very much the man I've been hoping for. Not perfect, just like me. I think it scares me and I want to find a way out. I don't want him to truly see me. I'm afraid of falling too hard in love with him and it hurting me in the ways which I cannot hurt anymore. But the truth is...If I'm unwilling to truly hurt than I am unwilling to truly love. It's ok if I don't believe I can give that of myself again. But I think the truth is, I need to come to terms with that which I have lost. It's not really about Jaysen the baggage that I'm carrying with me. He has been such a gentleman to me. Even though he lied to me once. I somehow understand why he did. He was afraid I wouldn't want to be with him. He didn't want to lose me. But it makes me feel like he didn't trust me enough to tell me. Although I will have to say he is a very private person, secretive? Would he have ever told me? This is still something that hurts me.
I suppose maybe i need to look some more at where I felt wronged in previous relationships, try to sort through some of the muck and the mire which is still holding me back in that regard. I just don't want it to take too long because I fear that it would be too late for our relationship if I take too long. Maybe not, Jaysen seems like a patient man. Will it be too long for me though?
I love Jaysen but I still don't fully trust him. I want to but my heart want let me completely trust him. That's ok, I shouldn't force my heart if it's not ready. I don't want it to simply be out of fear though. Do I have legitimate cause for concern? What else is there which could be hidden about him? What is it that you worried about?
Cheating, different identity, he's just telling me what I want to hear, "a successful marriage is just agreeing with what your spouse says" he never wants to have kids, he hasn't had very many long term relationships, he is kinda isolated, it feels like he's still hiding something from me.

Subjects which truly matter to me

Spiritual nature being honored
Nature being treated with respect
Respecting my body
Fun
Creativity
Healing
Mental Health
Recovery from Addiction
Purpose
Friendship
Service to the greater good
A voice for the innocent and voiceless
Standing up for what's right
Making a positive difference
Living a full hearted life. 

Compass Invictus

Discovery of the Compass

I believe that within each human being, at their core, is a compass. It points in the general direction of where their soul must go to be truly authentic to who they are. It comes to us in many different ways. As symbols, voices from friends, loved one's or even strangers. Sometimes it's a vision, a supernatural experience. Other times it's an intuition, a simple, unmistakable gut feeling. It's the still, small voice of reason which is always present. No matter how it comes to a person, there is always guidance about the next step to take.
For so long, I struggled with spirituality, religion, understanding my role in life...where was I to go? Who was I to be? I was raised strict christian and was a child in the military. There were clear rules and roles for me. Life did have a rule book and there were answers to most of my questions. Except that which I feared. My fear somehow was doorway to the next stage of my life. I suffered from extreme phobias as a child. Somehow, I knew that even though my ever present parents were nearby...they could not protect me from the danger which neared. I believe that I sensed the cracks in our perfect glass house. I sensed that chaotic wildness waited at the door...
We live in a time now where many of the dangers that our ancestors faced seem like the vaguest, distant memory. We will never have to fight for our lives in the ways our ancestors did. Not in the western world, at least. It's interesting how religion and spirituality have changed over the course of history. It looks as if Science has mostly been taking the lead now. Even if one is religious, they may not truly believe. And a lot of it all seems like something only our archaic ancestors who believed in a flat earth needed.
Is it so archaic to have a spiritual connection? Can we truly place our moral convictions on scientific means? A smart man is not promised to be a good man. For is he not just a rich man in another coat? What does spirituality mean? Or morality? I believe these are all important questions one must ask themselves. Questions are always better than simply accepting an answer simply because it's been given to you.
The compass which I speak of, I didn't find it by adhering to a book, a person or any ideology. I didn't find it in scientific evidence nor the local church. It wasn't prayed into me & I wasn't saved into it. I wasn't brainwashed or indoctrinated. I wasn't persuaded or proved wrong. In some ways, all of my experiences with such things pointed me to it. But it never came from anything outside of me. I believe this compass is one of the things which is the most human about us. It's clear and unbridled when we are children, we listen to that compass unwavering. We are innocent and know nothing but what we are. But we must walk through the fires, to come of age. We cannot remain a wide-eyed doe forever. Because danger does exist. That wild which we believe we have tamed and will never have to face again still exists. We only cannot see how we still fall prey to predator far more cunning than a lion or a snake.
The predators we face now are from our own tribes, our own minds and the worlds in which we navigate. There are still those who face hunger, war and all sorts of very real, in your face dangers. They are quite aware of the reality of life, still. That compass is often quite intact within them, at least in what it takes to physically survive. They intuitively know when someone means them harm, or they can feel when they don't need to stay a place a night longer. Those who don't trust that compass may very well lose their lives. We have tried to escape realities all together, not realizing we are still in the wild fending for our lives in a much more sophisticated manner.
This compass cannot be damaged or destroyed. It is literally the core of who you are and it is always speaking to you, you need only listen. Over time, it will become clearer to you. It is the path of your Soul. If you ignore it, you will lead a life which offers no nourishment to the soul. You have a right to life, but if you truly want to be alive while in your body...you must fight to live. Everything I know, I want to share in these passages. Once upon a time, I wanted to share this with future children of mine. I'd stay up thinking of what I'd say to them. As I'd live my life and make a new discovery I would speak to them in my mind as if they were already there. Now, I don't know if I'll ever have ken to pass these words or discoveries onto. But I want to leave the bread crumbs for someone who might need it. Because it was the words of others who were living true to their soul which helped me navigate myself back to my own compass. That's the odd thing about this all, the spiritual journey that we all go through. First we are born naturally intact with our souls, then through the harsh realities of life we lose touch with that soul, that's when we are given the opportunity to be reborn. We are given the choice to truly grow up. We don't have to. We can remain a child within our whole lives. Protecting those soul pieces within us so as to no one hurts them...but the worst part of it all is that once day those pieces will die. And without sunlight or water or ever having the chance to break through the ground...it would be like almost reaching orgasm and then it falling away forever. Quite anticlimactic. Your first battle was in the womb, to show your mother that you did want to be born. Your second birth is in life, when you show the infinite mother that you do want to be born. It is a battle we all must fight. But we are not alone. We are never alone. If you keep strength, stay courageous and hold true to what you believe in...a little luck is bound to come your way.
The compass is not something someone else can spell out for you. It's a relationship which you cultivate with yourself. If you cannot cultivate this relationship with yourself than you will never truly find that compass though you may look and look in all the worlds greatest books & sermons.
A good teacher only guides you back to your own inner truth...they point you in the direction of the way. The best teacher will make themselves obsolete. You must see that you do not need them. But only once you truly have found your own inner compass. That's why I believe the spiritual journey is a deeply personal one. No one else can tell you what that compass says and where it will lead you. Without belief in yourself, you will never truly be able to hear it. You will always second guess what you hear and you will never trust it as being real truth for yourself. This why it's such a tragedy that we befall when we lose faith in our own inner voice. But that is the journey that we all go through. The hero's journey, if you will. This is another truth about the compass. It is not pure, it is not angelic incarnate within you. It is not a God shard in the way a christian might view christ within us. Again, it is the most human thing about us. Sometimes, it will send you down a dark road or one which tests your good sensibilities. It is of the wildish nature of humans, one which was not shameful of it's human flesh because of original sin. This is a part of you which doesn't know sin in the way we once did. It only knows YOUR truth. Your truth may make you question everything you thought about life, about right and wrong...You may look at your truth and see a monster. There are not always easy answers to your questions. We, as humans, are not all light. And when we cannot bare to look at the monsters within us, the darkness that dwells becomes a true monster and controls us through the subconscious realms as if we were possessed at times by something demonic.
There is one truth though that has been unchanging for me...to truly be free, I must walk the path which my compass leads me on. Invictus.   

The hero's journey starts over everyday. 
 

The Power of the Mirage and Imaginary Friends

It's a good thing that I like Alice in Wonderland-esque world because this one mirrors it well. Especially on the spiritual planes. It seems like a world full of dichotomies, a hall of mirrors. Even when I was a young teen, I said that the one thing that was certain is life would never be certain or something to be completely figured out. This is why I call the inner guidance system within you a compass. It is pointing you in the direction of your path but it is NOT the path & it is only guidance. All we can truly do is orbit around the truth but there is mystery to life which is what beats our hearts. To truly know and see all would require us to not have a singular existence. We can tune in, tap into the infinite existence. Which Carl Jung speaks on with the collective unconscious and the hero's journey. But to truly see through the eyes of the infinite, you would need to not possess eyes. The very act of living in a body is an act of separation.

Truth is, growing up, a lot of the things I was told were just illusions...a trick of the mind. I was told my whole dreams were ahead of me. A lot of millenials were told this. We could have whatever we want or be whatever we wanted. Then we found out the world was in disorder and that things weren't as good as we were told. But there are some of us who are hard headed. I chose not to stop believing in my dreams. In the dark night of the soul, I would not let them go. I held them close to my heart like a guiding light. I didn't give in. I didn't give up. I wanted to let go of everything and stop believing. But I couldn't. The trials which I went through. They were part of my journey. Part of my hero's journey. A life will try to test you. To see if what you believe in is only what you think is real. Do you believe simply because it's what you've been shown? Or is there something more? Something more within you? A fighter? Is this worth it? Do your dreams really mean anything to you? The beauty of childhood is tested with the harsh reality of adulthood where the umbrella of protection has been lifted. For my own circumstances, it happened much earlier. Divorced parents left me exposed to the elements. I discovered very quickly harsher realities. The world was unforgiving and cold. This is usually when you feel the pressure to drop your 'childish' beliefs. Unfortunately so much is often lost with it. Like your very dreams and the spirit of your being as well as your connection to your compass. There is a very sad dying of your dreams and aspirations and belief in your authentic self.

You begin to try to fit yourself into a mold that you feel will protect you, which will be practical, what will help you to survive. You learn to live in fear. You lose the magic and mystery of life. Everything is predictable in a world where nothing is every certain. You trade authentic living for cold comfort which is also a lie. That's the dicotomy. Both are not the whole truth. It's true that many of the voices, spirits, experiences I had were all in my head and yet they were also very real. The truth is, while you may feel safe...it's only an illusion. The sooner you accept that you cannot ever truly be safe, the sooner you can get back to truly living your life authentically. We weren't put here to have a boring existence, this is an adventure. We are travellers, we are not here forever. We must remember the truth which death grants us.

For some time after 2011, I lived in fear because I so craved the comfort which I realized I could never have again. I couldn't unsee what I had already seen. It was time for me to let go of fear and step into my power but my own power terrified me. Because we are most afraid of our power, not of our weakness. We prefer to play small. It seems so much easier not to take up too much space or to not have a voice. But the truth is if I never truly opened up myself to the world then I would surely die. I am an intense person and I am safest not playing it safe. There's that alice in wonder dicotomy again...the curious mystery of life. How is it possible that not playing it safe is safest for me? It's because I am unable to live a life which isn't authentic to me. Either I can be a bright light or a black hole. There's no in-between for someone like me.

Shadow Boon

So, shadow work has been discussed in great length among psychologists and spiritually minded individuals or those recovering from addiction. Many now know what that term is and may even use it lightly or in a different context than it was originally intended. Because of that, I will not go into further detail of the meaning of shadow work other than to say that it is literally the parts of yourself which you deem as unacceptable in some fashion and choose to suppress. When the shadow is suppressed it will animate itself in other various forms. Carl Jung speaks of how the shadow will then possess a person who is unaware or suppressing an aspect of themselves.

The Shadow self will appear to us in totems and symbols just like anything else. Nature is our greatest ally when it comes to discovering the inner worlds of the shadow self. Currently, the year is 2020 and we are seeing 'murder hornets' arrive to the US. While much of this is very terrifying, especially during a world pandemic...there is a reason nature is doing any and all of this. It ALL symbolizes something deeper. Just as my health issues symbolized something deeper to me. It was only until I could understand them that I was able to recover. I learned this from my friend Cherie who suffered from a heart attack at a young age and had to receive a transplant. I AM worthy. I have a light to shine, I have a purpose. I was unaware of my addiction or how it was running my life. I had to see the truth of my own being.

I wish this for all of you who may read this. As I walk on this shamanic journey, may you find the boon in the shadows. Shadow work is the most unpleasant aspect of spiritual growth. It brings up all of our triggers, fears and things we've been suppressing as bad within us. For me right now that is my anger. But once you see how it possesses you and what you resist persists...you will see that the only way to the treasure is to fight the dragon first. Except you are the dragon and you are keeping yourself from the treasure by being unwilling to see the magic or medicine of some aspect of yourself. Anger is not bad by it's very nature...it is actually the tenacity needed to set boundaries or to survive on this planet. Anger is there to protect you and it's outrage which brings about change. Anger is the fires which burn many passions and movements. There is a place for anger, but it is like fire and if left unchecked can very easily set fire to the whole world. If I fear the fire within me, I surely will burn. I will burn when I don't want to burn and the world will see me possessed by my own shadow. I will look back and think, wow why did I act like that? Now, I hold a place for my anger...it is no longer my enemy but informing me of a truth within my own being. It is a guidepost to the truth of who I am. There is a treasure to be had in my own anger. Anger and resentment are different. Being spineless is not a spiritual position. Having no voice is simply lacking boundaries.

The Call

The truth is you are never seperated from your Soul's truth. It can never be completely buried. It is free and unhindered by any of your choices. Now, your relationship with it may change. It may not always be as loud to you...sometimes it may only lightly pull at your heartstrings when you see something on tv that makes you think of your Soul's path. But think of it as if you were in encompassed in darkness. And far, far in the distance there is a light. You are drawn to that light. Maybe it's instead a song which has a unmistakable sound to it and every time you hear it gives you this feeling that you want to understand. But you can't really heart it so it makes you want to get closer to it. You keep walking towards the light or the sound. In the beginning, you may be afraid to go towards the light. Even though it's beautiful to you and looks very promising...the darkness is all you've ever known. It's just as possible that it's a trap. What if it's not safe? And the truth is, adventures are never safe. But the safest place to be is a coffin. All danger has been surpassed. The truth is the call never promised you eternal happiness. Utopia is not what the light contains. Your Soul is not exempt from fear, horror or mistakes. You surely will face all of life as you travel towards the light. But to live any other dream is like forever living in your own shadow. Step into your truth and fearlessly be who you dream of being. 

Daily Routine

Morning -
Prayer & meditation
Gratitude
Take Herbs
Water
Dance?
Spend some time outside
Coffee

Begin goals
Art
Work
Friends
Excercise
Cleaning/chores

break for lunch and check in with self
what helps you feel mindful?
reminder to be mindful

Social media only three times a day

Fun

Make sure to attend meetings