Jaysen

Jaysen

Truth is, I'm so not sure about anything with him. He's very hard for me to put my finger on. He continues to surprise me. I start to feel I have him all figured out and then I realized that I've pegged him wrong. haha I really did peg him wrong. I was too rough with him. I injured him needlessly but I know that on some level we both wanted it. I was violent towards him and I liked it. It's not that I wanted to hurt him. But I liked being in control of him and not having to worry if I was hurting him. It felt good to not have to worry if he could take it or not. I knew he'd tell me if it was too much. I suppose maybe he felt the same way when he was shoving his whole hand up my ass. I feel vulnerable when I think about that. I was a little scared when it happened. Like what if I was injured in a permanent way. But I know that he would never want to do that. I suppose he's earned that much trust with me. My ass still hurts a bit. I like that he leaves marks on me. It makes me feel like he wants to have a presence on me. I'm very turned on by his boldness, his need to conquer things. His need to go deeper, harder, darker. It's like he entered the dark palace where I was...He entered it and he was not afraid, instead he was extremely turned on. It was erotic to him, to come play with the devilish thoughts that I had inside. There are dark things rattling around inside of me and they didn't frighten him. Never have I not felt the need to hide myself. He isn't frightened when I am honest with him either. He listens to me whenever I ask for what I need. He's very much the man I've been hoping for. Not perfect, just like me. I think it scares me and I want to find a way out. I don't want him to truly see me. I'm afraid of falling too hard in love with him and it hurting me in the ways which I cannot hurt anymore. But the truth is...If I'm unwilling to truly hurt than I am unwilling to truly love. It's ok if I don't believe I can give that of myself again. But I think the truth is, I need to come to terms with that which I have lost. It's not really about Jaysen the baggage that I'm carrying with me. He has been such a gentleman to me. Even though he lied to me once. I somehow understand why he did. He was afraid I wouldn't want to be with him. He didn't want to lose me. But it makes me feel like he didn't trust me enough to tell me. Although I will have to say he is a very private person, secretive? Would he have ever told me? This is still something that hurts me.
I suppose maybe i need to look some more at where I felt wronged in previous relationships, try to sort through some of the muck and the mire which is still holding me back in that regard. I just don't want it to take too long because I fear that it would be too late for our relationship if I take too long. Maybe not, Jaysen seems like a patient man. Will it be too long for me though?
I love Jaysen but I still don't fully trust him. I want to but my heart want let me completely trust him. That's ok, I shouldn't force my heart if it's not ready. I don't want it to simply be out of fear though. Do I have legitimate cause for concern? What else is there which could be hidden about him? What is it that you worried about?
Cheating, different identity, he's just telling me what I want to hear, "a successful marriage is just agreeing with what your spouse says" he never wants to have kids, he hasn't had very many long term relationships, he is kinda isolated, it feels like he's still hiding something from me.