jellies sex

I didn't have a special first time like you did. I want to have that. I want to set the mood & the tone. Not necessarily what is stereotypically considered romantic. But just that it feels special, that it feels like you're preparing it for someone who you love very much and want them to know they mean the world to you.

I also want to make love to you, pegging isn't just an anal rape fantasy for me. I have feelings too, I want it to be an intimate experience. 

I want us to touch, to kiss, to hold each other. I want us to rub one another & to massage each other. I'd like you to massage me and then begin fingering me. I want you to eat me out while I'm blindfolded. 

I want to be able to talk to you about sex. I want to feel comfortable about sex. This isn't an area that has ever been comfortable for me and never have I felt safe to talk with someone about it. I want there to be an openness around it. A deep sense of trust & checking in. 

Kiss me more, look into my eyes...make me feel special, please. Make love to me. Sex is special to me. It means something to me. There is an energy exchange which happens that is important. 

A Promise

My heart was promised, promised to one Soul. Kirene wasn't who I thought it was. 

Emily manipulated me. 

My past life lover, my soul mate. Don't we all search for that in this life? But what if you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt the Soulmate was real. What you were looking for was real. Another realm of existence was real...to be spirited away. A realm where I am Queen. Where I am powerful. Where Love conquers all. A realm where the fairytales are real. A realm where I have it all. 

But I could have nothing so long as I have your love. Your love, I promised myself to you. You would not hurt me. Maybe I promised myself to God. Maybe I am not meant for human love. For they will hurt me too deep. 

jaysen

I'd like to talk to Jaysen about being a Wild Woman, only consistent to receptivity. 

The art of energy healing, sensing, LOA, psychic senses, intuitive guidance, spiritually sensitive, honoring the enjoyment of the beauty of life. Life is our creation, an art piece. 

The body is not an apology. What body positivity means to me. 

Releasing Ritual

I can honor my inner child and past self who survived the malignant relationships. Create an altar place for it. So that I am opened to a place of joy, to thrive and not just survive. 

Consistency, do you want it? Only with what matters. I am consistently receptive to the changing tides of life. That is my promise. 

As the wild woman archetype. 

My body is magic, to be anything else is quite harmful. Robs me of my magic. 

Sexuality

Sex is a weird topic for me, right now. 

It's confusing to me and unclear since I never was really taught a clear answer around it. 

It also has baggage with it considering the dysfunction, abuse & manipulation I experienced with it growing up. Lastly, I want it to feel special, I want to feel special & beautiful. I want someone to make love to me. I want the energetic exchange to be something truly special. 

How to leave your lover

Don't let your ego treat you like a dog & keep you on a leash. 

I've spent a lot of my life not feeling good enough. I can get fixated on my flaws. At times, I'd let other people treat me like I'm disposable. You know, give until I can't anymore and hope that they'll give back to me. Remain loyal and open hearted but not receive the same in return. 

A character defect of mine is perfectionism. It disguises itself in self-help & progress. But sometimes it's just me not thinking I'm enough the way I am. 

I had a near death experience once. It caused me to realize the gift of every breath. That the next one isn't promised. I don't want to waste my time trying to change myself when in the moment, I just want to remember who I am right now.

When I accept myself as I am, not just out of obligation, but out of love. I can see that I'm a snapshot in time of something precious to me. So many of us feel like we wished we could've been kids longer & known how to appreciate it. But didn't we want to be grown up then? 

Maybe the lesson is to appreciate who you are right now. To truly slow down and smell the roses. I want to leave my lover. Not an actual person...but the harmful belief that I am not enough the way that I am. 

Reo

The night had grown cold. Silence wrapped around me like a shroud of fear. I was uncertain what my next steps would be. I could sense all around me that there were eyes watching me. 

I continue through the faintly lit path with shaking breaths. The trees creaked and groaned; dead leaves crunching under my steps. 

What was to become of me now that I was exiled from my home? The destruction I left behind was unbearable to think of. Everything was on fire. 

Little did I know then, my journey had just begun. My life was far from over even though I'd go on to hate myself for ages to come. Some things leave scars which echo throughout time and space...they stay with us. It became my new normal to suppress a dark space within myself which I couldn't share with another soul. 

Eventually I found a village which took me in. The people there were simple and kind. They didn't ask questions of who I was or what I was running from. They just offered me a place to stay, warm food & a bath. I was out of my mind with turmoil and unable to articulate my thanks. 

I found you broken and bleeding. It wasn't my intention to save you but you called out to me as if you knew me. I wanted to tell you that you'd mistaken me for your mother but the look of relief on your paling face struck a cord of familiarity. I, too, once lay where you did & no one ever came for me. They left me there to die. They did not care who I was or what I had done for my country. There was no honor in dying this way. 

I don't know who hurt you or stripped you of your wings. But all I knew is there was no honor in leaving you here to die in a dirty alleyway. 

Gradually you opened up to me about what happened to you and how they attacked you. Their was a gang of them, you were alone and only trying to make your way home when they threatened you with a knife to your throat. Raped and beaten to near death you suffered a horrific tale. 

I remembered the screams of those trapped in the burning building. Their pleading as I escaped. I was cursed with a story I'd relive through each lifetime. Unable to separate my former consciousness from each lifetime. I'd remember them all. Every sin and every tragedy. 

But you were unaware of my past, so of course you were not afraid of the one who saved you. You didn't know I was a ghost of a million people within one body. 

You couldn't move for a long time and you didn't ask me to contact anyone. I didn't ask why. I still remembered the relief I felt when once upon a time I met a kind & simple folk who allowed me the chance to heal without prying into my past. 

* Something was happening, I wasn't trying to escape my own dreams anymore. The nightmares weren't scaring me like they once did. They still happened, I would be trapped in a burning building but I knew it wasn't real. I knew I was in control of my own mind & before my very eyes the dreams would change. I'd envision a peaceful meadow in the woods with sun peaking through...and the further I walked there would be an open field with a tree that would over look a breathtaking sunset. This was my happiest place. Here, I was home. 

I could no longer lie to myself. The man I thought I was, wasn't real. 

Wiping the tears from your face, I looked into your dark eyes and I knew that you weren't showing me everything about yourself. "What's eating your soul?" 

Without a response, I felt the pain with the weight of an avalanche fall from your shoulders. Never did I imagine you'd open yourself to me. But I was soaring inside. You were the most magnificent being I'd ever seen. It was as though you were glowing with the light of thousand suns. Through the pain and darkness, you'd become a beacon of purest light. *

Believe it or not, there was a time once when I died in the ocean, thrown overboard a ship. The suffocating was terrifying, as the darkness become all encompassing. But eventually it become euphoric & my body just stopped fighting. 

The whales and the dolphins carried my body or my soul with them to their world. They are the ones who know the greatest spiritual truths on this planet. They understand our nature more than we do. 

They showed me things I'll never forget. I can't communicate it with words because it is like trying to convey something 5D with only 3D options. But I can share what happened within my own Soul. I was healed of the curse because the shame was lifted. It turns out the cure was to forgive myself & everything/everyone that led me to burn down my world. 

These beings of light reveled to me the nature of existence and how we all continue to reincarnate until we are finished with our karmic cycles. 

They told me I could become a being of light like them or go back to the Earth and embody as a teaching Spirit. It wasn't for the faint of heart because I would be challenged like everyone else. Except this time I would have a deeper understanding of reality and if I was brave enough, I'd be able to access my memories along with my knowledge that I'd learned. 

Who would choose to go back? I no longer felt burdened by hatred of myself. But they warned me that even old fears and hurts from past lives might haunt me if I could remember them. I must be strong enough to see through it all. To remember their call from within. They said I award them with a great honor if I chose to take such a journey. 

So why come back here with all of you? 

It seemed like fun to me. 

 * I laughed when you told me this. Fun? You had to be kidding me. This world was so full of hate. Why would someone willingly leave such a beautiful realm to come to this one? Especially for a laugh! 

I would give anything for a laugh, for fun. To find a realm as beautiful as that. Now you were telling me someone might turn down such a place to return to this one without even much thought or hesitation. 

People wouldn't believe such an idea. But I believed you. I could feel the truth in what you were saying. It was so powerful that all hairs on my body stood up, giving me gooseflesh. I was blown away by your resilient spirit. How I wished to have such courage. "Oh, but don't you, already?" You could see through me. See my dreams and what I believed in. You knew I had never given up on them despite having all the reasons to. I kept my heart alive in an age of selling out. That is the bravest thing anyone can do, keep the flame alive even when you see the waters coming for you.

"You have the power to create any reality for yourself and you chose this one. Anyone who comes here is a brave soul. Bless them for you know their journey is a difficult one."* 

Some years later, I look back on those days with you and I'm still thankful for how you opened my eyes. Thank-you for every promise broken. I know you did try to be the person you said that you were. I wanted to believe that you could truly love me forever. It was a beautiful, passing belief. I understand now that it wasn't my choice to be here. It wasn't my choice to live this life. It wasn't my choice to stay here out of some 'great honor'. I was sucked back like a forced birth. They asked me if I'd like to stay with them or go back as a teacher & I chose to leave this world. 

I wasn't able to stay with them. My soul tried everything to fly away with them but it simply could not. I couldn't do anything I put my mind to. I had always believe with enough belief & a little luck I could do anything. 

The truth hit me like a brick full of nails. I felt as though I was trapped in my own coffin called my life. The color of life was gone. 

Maybe it had all been in my mind. I was washed upon the shore...somehow I hadn't drowned. Not sure how that was physically possible. 

There was no one nearby, just sand and forest for as far as the eye could see. I wished I had died. I hadn't forgotten anything...though the experience I had in the ocean made everything foggy. It was like the memories I had, had been swapped around and the puzzle pieces fit in different places now. 

I knew I was still the same person in the same body but I felt almost as if this was the dream and what I'd experienced before was what was real. I wandered for many days, just surviving off of what I could find. There was still no sign of life. 

But that was a long time ago and you don't have much time. So I won't bore you with all the details of my life. When I met you, you were very young and you didn't know yet what it meant to truly love someone without abandoning yourself in the process. I don't want to blame you, I really don't. I know you meant well...but some days it hits me that you didn't mean well because you weren't even thinking of me. More of what you could get from me. I wondered if this was my karma. The burning faces appeared before my eyes again and tears fell with a million ghost whispers. 

I wish I could tell you everything will be ok but I can't do that with the certainty I felt while in that ocean dream. But I do believe there is hope. I saw the glimpse of freedom in that smile of yours. You made me believe there was truly something greater in this life. 

That we don't have to walk out this dance alone, if I could only take another step towards that future without you. I know that you'd tell me to take the risk of getting hurt. It was you that made me believe. I wish you'd been real so that these hands wouldn't be shaking in the darkness of the night. 

*I looked in the mirror as it began to shatter and crack. I was unraveling before my own eyes. Time would tell if to live my life was to live in hell. How long did it take for me to put the puzzle pieces back together? I started laughing like a little kid who spent too much time alone with his toys. The kid who never got invited to the other kids houses, the one was too weird to be seen. He fell through the cracks. It's like he was invisible even though he was standing right in front of me. I wish I could reach through that mirror and bring her back to me. Why couldn't I go back to the world, to the kingdom that I had created for myself? This world was a better one. 

But my kingdom of make believe was dissolving all around me. The shroud had finally lifted. The harsh light shining onto my face. 

It was only just a dream. There wasn't anyone there with me. 

Sex Journaling

I am apprehensive to have sex again. After having a pregnancy scare and also upon deeper reflection of addictive patterns...I haven't been sure about my sexual life for some time now. I just need to take a step back and examine it. 

Also, I'm not sure that I want to show my boobs to one of his friends because his wife has saggy boobs. That is definitely objectification of me. Especially since he's not cool with me showing off my body on my own terms. I didn't agree with him to be in control of everything. It makes me feel like I'm a prize to him. 

What would sex look like to me? Honestly sex doesn't mean much to me anymore. I wish it meant more to me than a hit of pleasure or a nice way to say I love you. Orgasms make me uncomfortable. I wish I could have what I had when I was younger but I know now that was only just a dream. 

Sex is unappealing to me in a lot of ways. Emily pointed out that my deep fetish openness could have something to do with the fact that it felt otherworldly to me & that's what I experienced with Kirene. 

Girls my age were all reading books and dreaming of their soulmates. I believed I had one like many others similar to me. I knew it would be otherworldly. Just like I knew my life would be. My life now is other worldly, just as I imagined.

But my relationships...they don't feel that way to me. I have found otherworldly feeling relationships and they end up being highly destructive and supporting my fantasy world mindset. I don't want to refuse to grow up and be stuck in peter pan land. I don't know what a healthy sexual/romantic relationship looks like. Perhaps Samuel is farther along than I am. 

I know have to keep working on myself. I think most people my age eventually learned that those fairytale weren't real or atleast not what they thought it was. 

In my case the exact opposite happened. I believed that it was all true. I lived it as my truth. It was my reality. But then 2011 happened. It changed everything. I couldn't fly, not in the way I thought I could. Not in that moment, anyway. I found that there were some limitations. That sometimes, one does concede to the universe, in this realm at least. But somehow it made me real...it made the universe real...it wasn't just a dream. 

But then what I experienced...was it just a dream? How do I let it go? Cruelty, it is a sharp weapon. 

Where do I go from here? What does sex mean to me? What does that spice of life called romance mean to me? I imagined it would be very colorful. Full of wonder. Lots of adventures...games, laughter, love. 

I'm going to do EMDR on it. I need to do it on it so that I can continue to move forward. 

Emily's betrayal, Kirene's predatory energy, fantasy beliefs, 

I guess I worry if I change, Jaysen won't be interested. That our sexualities won't match up anymore. I needed so much more trust with him because I have been hurt by him without him meaning to. 

Sex means too much to me. Yet I treat it like it doesn't. It's a doorway to my deepest feelings. I suppose it's not such a mystery to me. Sex was supposed to be mind blowing because there was deep trust and authenticity developed there first. We rushed into having sex before developing a relationship. Before really knowing what the other person needs and wants emotionally, physically & mentally. 

I thought I could explore my sexuality with you, Jaysen. Originally that's what I was interested in. A partner to explore kinkier parts of myself with. But then I started growing feelings for you. You were hilarious, cute, kind & I felt a real connection with you. I wanted to be in a relationship with you. I did feel real feelings growing for you. I loved how open you were. I loved how attentive you were. You were interesting and had cool hobbies. 

But I wasn't planning to get into a relationship and so our sexual relationship changed for me because sex became about US & not just me exploring my sexual fetishes with a partner that I liked. That was the area where I am uncertain how to even ask for what I want or need. I have felt like I am asking for too much when it comes to matters of the heart. 

Feelings I want during sex

To be truly seen at a soul level 

To feel comfortable, trusting and open

My heart space to be totally safe, validated, seen & held 

Freedom from thoughts, ego & selfishness 

Loving embrace 

No fear

Like flying

Ability to cry 

Adventure, exploration 

Magic 

Worthiness 

Respect 

Kindness 

Passion 

Feeling like you have the desire to truly know me. To check in with me emotionally. To understand that it what truly matters the most to me. That is what makes me feel the most heard. 

I want our love to be something my mate would die for. We would literally burn the whole world down for one another. There is no one who could separate us. The intensity of a thousand suns. 

Someone who do anything for me, no fear. No place they would not go, complete submission. Someone who enter the void with me. Lose their mind with me. 

Complete dissolve their identity with mine. Someone who would ascend to higher realms with me. Go on mystical journey's with me. Find the magical realms with me. Explore the depths of the unconscious with me. Brave is an understatement. Intelligent but willing to explore everything with me. Never bored because there is so much more to be seen. 

Enjoys the present moment with me. Worships me like a goddess. 

We are the chosen one's. 

Why would someone who is as smart as he is not see that what I want is emotional connection? Is he playing me? Why do I feel like he's chameleoning me? 

Lots of prayers but he doesn't pray. 

Saying he believes it's god pouring god into god but then he doesn't believe in anything.

Saying he doesn't know what synchronicity is then he keeps a list of 'occurances'. Which I only found out about because I saw it not because he told me. 

Saying he's happy but then saying I don't want to know what's in his mind. 

Finding out he used to have depression. 

Talking about the things which I am interested in are really deep subjects and acts like that isn't his interest. 

Then during a picnic saying that he is interested in people's psychology. That he wanted to help people but he didn't like all the writing he would have to do. Mentioned that he hates giving reports. So I guess he hates writing. He is deep. How does he not see that? There is some weird hypocrisy happening. 

He talks about being kind but then says really rude and vicious things about people behind their backs. He talks about having trouble forgiving. 

What else does he keep from me? Why did he keep the occurances things from me when he knows that is interesting to me? 

Does he actually listen to me or really comprehend what I am saying? Does he just pretend to understand? 

Create nightmare before Christmas wooden box 

take the leap

I am peter pan & Wendy 

I was the ugly duckling until I realized I was the Swan 

Ocean born - Nightwish 

Salamander

Stinkbug

Butterfly 

Caterpillar

Ants

Opossum 

Women Who Run With Wolves 

Being a conduit for the divine 

Check my list 

Talk to Jaysen about matters of the heart 

Show him the map 

Show him everything

Show him what art means to me 

Unsure about sex 

Want to feel connected 

Stopped having sex with Ces

Loss of power

It gives me pleasure and is addictive 

Sometimes I want sex physically but not mentally 

Team Ramrod

There's something I feel bad about and I'm a bit embarrassed to talk about it. Summer is actually my friend. She is roommates with Alli & in the program. I've actually known her for 4 years. I'm definitely not as close to her as I am with Alli. 

I know that you thought she was just a neighbor and was put off by her appearance. But the way you talked about her was mean & I feel like you judged her without actually knowing her. 

She is a really great person and has a pretty amazing story. She looked rough because she's had a really hard life. She wasn't addicted to meth. She deals with a lot but has still overcome them all and is making the hard steps to become an RN. she literally works and goes to school constantly. I haven't seen her in months because of it and the other day was the first time I've seen her in a while. I know I've sent you pics of me, her & Alli doing art night together. You may have not recognized her. She's been a sweet friend and she has a gentle spirit. I don't like how she treats her dog but that's the only thing personally that's rubbed me wrong about her. 

I feel bad for making fun of her and not telling you all of this, that's why I'm embarrassed. I don't always handle those kind of situations well. Not an excuse, though. Anyway, she was insanely exhausted that night because it was the first night she'd had off in a very long time.  

I also feel bad for laughing through her movie. Even though we are playful with movies not everyone is and some people will take it as making fun of something they feel comfortable sharing with us. I do my best to never make people feel uncomfortable with sharing themselves with me so I felt crappy about it afterwards (even though I would've been laughing internally). Even if it was a crappy movie to me, it probably meant something to her for her to want to share it with us. And as a friend, I like to try to step into that other persons shoes and see what it is that spoke to them from that art. 

All art is subjective. Like the phrase, one mans trash is another mans treasure. It spoke to her so it meant something to someone. For example, some foods which I like might be gross to you because you've had way better food most of your life. But if I shared that food with you, even if it didn't taste amazing to you, you'd want to try it because you know it made me happy. You might even try to see what it is about the food that I enjoy so much. Finding the beauty in things which you wouldn't normally.

That's what I do with most things when I am with someone else, if it is food or a movie or whatever it is that they are sharing with me...I look for the beauty in it, what might make them enjoy it. That's why I'm so open to trying things that most people would turn their noses to. This is what initially made me open to scat with you. I didn't understand but I knew there was something about it that you connected with. And because I liked you and was intrigued by you...I allowed myself to explore it & I discovered something incredible which I never would have discovered if I hadn't been open to the experience. 

So as a friend, I do my best for others to feel comfortable enough to open up with me so I can experience their world. Even if I don't understand it or even quite enjoy it, I find things I appreciate about it and I learn that person that way. I won't divulge her personal life but I understand why she related to that movie & taking the movie only symbolically...it relates back to her. We are vulnerable with who we are through the art, music, food and many things we share with our friends. We are literally opening the book of our hearts to people and letting them peer inside. So when we laugh at that movie, it might feel as though we are laughing at the very contents of her heart and pain she has gone through to make her who she is. I'm sure it made her feel bad. I need to talk to her, I could be overthinking it. It might not be that deep...sometimes it isn't. But even people who don't want to be deep...are. We are just taught as adults to wear an armor which makes us look like we aren't vulnerable or have feelings. She was with friends and we all usually get very vulnerable with one another & share art and stuff that means something to us. I could be taking it wrong with her but I'd hate to have made her feel that way. That's what we do in the program. It's hard but it's how we grow. You could see that with the tarot reading we did. We don't hide our hearts. 

I want to know it's safe for me to share my heart around you. That it's safe for me to bring you around my friends who I act a certain way with. Being kind hearted is very important to me. I really don't like making fun of people...I know that's something we've done together but it makes me feel icky. Because at the end of the day I know people are all trying the best that they can and if they saw me behind closed doors there is a lot they could make fun of. I relate to the underdogs of the world. I suffer from clinical depression & I'm a recovering alcoholic. I didn't grow up with the best home life & I've got baggage. Welcome to the human experience. None of us are perfect. I don't like meanness & I try to avoid it & call it out when I see it. So I've felt so bad about indulging in the guilty pleasure of making fun of other people. 

This is why I've worried that you're secretly judging me or making fun of me. You've said some harsh things about people who aren't so different from me. Like Summer or even that guy who Gabby is dating. Addicts and alcoholics suffer from the same kind of addiction. They aren't losers, they may act like it at times. They aren't damaged goods, they definitely feel like it at times but they aren't. I'm not. I used to believe I was but I see the truth now. I'm fucking gorgeous the way I am and I wouldn't change one moment of it. I love my depth, I love who I've become. My story can be there to help others. Hope isn't lost until you are dead. I believe in redemption and I have no more a right to tell other people they won't make it or they don't deserve it than anyone else. I'm not judge and juror. 

I just feel people's stories are a lot deeper than most people want to see and people make snap judgements about others. It's easier to do that than to relate to someone and see how you could even be in their shoes. That's why I wanted you to watch that one video about Alan Watts sharing Carl Jungs thoughts on the shadow. 

Forgiveness and not holding onto anger towards others has been essential in my life. 

At the end of the day I cannot control people and their actions, they will do as they please. I can love people from afar but I love all humans. I forgive all humans. Because I believe at our core we are beautiful and innocent. Yes, even the worst of the worst. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be punished or face consequences but mockery & mean spiritedness is not unnecessary & cruel. It only gives me a momentary high but hurts others for no good reason. Criticism given without love is hurtful not helpful and they leave marks on a person that may last a lifetime. Think of the words you still remember to this day from people who said or did something hurtful to you. Even if you forgive them or don't let it get to you...it leaves a scar. We all like to act like we don't care about the world and it's people but humans are deeply vulnerable to the words of others especially when being open and thinking they are safe. 

It's scary to share what I like with you because I feel like you judge it. You may have better musical or cinematic taste or even better taste in food but you haven't seen the movies through my eyes nor tasted the food the way that I taste it. See the world through the eyes of another. 

It made me sad that you don't like writing in our journal. I was always excited to see what you were writing. It was very disappointing. You don't write songs for me. He wrote me a letter but it seemed so redundant. Not exciting. 

I like going on dates with you. You're cute and give me cute gifts. 

I also wanted a way for us to be able to get to know each other better. Could he draw me pictures? Smoke screen? Lol 

And then he doesn't really like talking but he will do it. He is kind of boring to me, emotionally anyway. He's smart but doesn't want to use it and only shows me his emotional maturity when something is wrong. 

jellie

Jaysen pushing for the birth control made me sad. 

Not being pregnant again was a let down. I have to deal with it on my own.

jellies

I just feel Jaysen is obsessed with the maiden phase of development. A lot of people get stuck there. Especially if you stop growing spiritually. Which he isn't actively engaged in doing. 

He doesn't want to have a child with me. 

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