creative success

Start tracking your dreams. You need to know what your life story is because that is the life you live day in and day out to YOU. Even if the story isn't accurate to reality, it's how you perceive it. 

I am a hacker, I hack spiritual code. It's possible this really is all a matrix and I'm just a hacker plan and simple. 

Either way, if there are aliens...not just robots, spirits & humans from the future/the government...then there could be aliens, too. 

Or this is a simulation. 

Synchronicity 

Being able to manifest your reality

Sobriety

Healing 

Good relationships 

new class creativity for a successful life

Creativity is the jumping off point of hope 

Holistic approach to success 

What is success to you? 

Creativity is how you cultivate your honest voice. 

First things first. Just like with finances. What has the most outstanding balance? 

What is success? 

How is your health & stress level? 

Are you addicted to anything? 

Relationship issues? 

Satisfied at work or very stressed? 

Spiritual or metaphysical practices? 

Creativity is tricky because you can't force it come to you. It's not like a mental habit which once memorized enough you can bring it to mind at will. It's not even like a mental muscle. Tricks that used to work to get you creative may not always work. It's good to have several options to get you into the flow. 

Burn out is also a real thing. But the best analogy I can think of would be growing a plant. It has to have the right conditions and care to grow. So whether or not you creativity wilts or flourishes depends on how you tend it. 

I don't have a green thumb & I personally tell people that a plant has to be depression proof for me to keep it alive. But, I found my plant this is this way...cacti. What I've found out after working at a plant nursery for 6 years is that there is a plant for everyone...yes even the forgetful waterer. Cacti love those kind of plant parents & so do orchids. 

So fear not if you struggle with having a green thumb, this doesn't mean being creative is hopeless for you. It just means your set of tricks may look very different from the person next to you. It may also mean gaining new habits which are a little uncomfortable at first but will be like second nature over time. 

If you're a highly sensitive person, this is great for creativity but can mean that you get easily overwhelmed by things. Knowing yourself is a very helpful first step of the journey. 

desires

Touch, I love touch. 

Jaysen is so wonderful 

I like words of affirmation, I love be doted over. 

Life is a Dance

I think I am non binary. 

I think I am pagan and have my own twist to my spirituality. Aliens, faeries, spirits. New age, old age & current age. Science, medicine, spirituality...they are all connected. 

My identity is fluid...

I can speak down a well which is beyond time....I can speak back and forth to future selves. 

I have the gift of sight, I am highly sensitive. 

This runs in the family line. But not many embrace it anymore. 

I've been very influenced by other beliefs and cultures. But I really don't ascribe to any of them. Not even truly to paganism. I know it may seem like a hypocrisy. But the truth is I have an inner council within. Different aspects of myself...all connected to me and my spirit but each their own shade of the same color. 

I use the 12 step program, my support network, my therapist & my spiritual daily practices to stay grounded. I also need to be grounded as to not lose sight of my goals instead of pondering into the depths of the universe...which I have the ability to do endlessly. My mind is like an endless maze full of bookshelves with any book you could ever want to read. Every single kind of life or story available to read. I keep changing books and reading or rereading my favorite parts. Sometimes I write my own stories...sometimes I use my physical body to do it. But these are all stories, everything, from the art we watch & read or listen to...to the stories we share with friends...or the story we are living yourself. 

It's easy to lose myself in stories...they are limitless. So I need something to ground me, which is why it's so important for me because it's easy for me to float into other realms & forget my own personal story. 

Love, happiness, freedom, peace. These are all things which I want. I don't want the moons and stars, I just want you to hold me. I'm not looking to conquer the world and stand reigning king & queen. I want to wake up next to you, sleeping on your chest. I want a simple story. I want a place where I can dream, write and live out my beautiful stories in peace. To come home to you there with me. You could live out your own fantasies, whatever they may be. I would do whatever I could to help you live them out. But that is mine. I don't want to save the world. I wouldn't mind helping others but in the ways which I can. My spirituality includes freedom. This is all about the dance of our lives. 

sync

William shatner show about supernatural evil places. 

So before I came over to your house last Saturday. Sam was laying on the couch being lazy as usual & I made a joking comment about it. Well, he goes off on me. Starts criticizing everything about me & says I'm projecting onto him. I bring up that maybe he would feel better about himself if he was getting his shit together. When I turned 18 he stopped talking to me for 3 years because of my mental breakdown. He didn't like how happy I was & thought I was delusional. I was happy because I survived a mental breakdown and proud of myself. My brother promised me when we were little he'd always be by my side. We pinky promised. It was the one thing that never broke even when my family fell apart. We still had each other. That's all I ever really cared about. That I had friends to play with, people who loved me and who I could trust close to me. I didn't have to change the world, the world seemed OK the way it was. 

But Samuel always wanted to. He would make up worlds so I believed in them. He'd pretend to be things he wasn't. He never was quite comfortable living here in this world. It didn't understand such a sensitive boy.

I like girls too. Sometimes I do things because I have a crush on them and not because it's the right thing to do. 

I suppress those feelings of gayness because I am 

I am connected to faeries and I am one. I identify myself as one.  

Explain how I got there spiritually 

my shadow

As you know my dad is into BDSM & RECOVERY 

Samuel admit I was right & you were wrong. 

My shadow - 

Attention seeking 

Being petty 

Being pretentious 

Taking myself too seriously 

Being a drama queen 

Being self centered 

Unfriendly 

Liking myself 

Being intelligent 

I didn't like Jaysen saying Nathan was gay. He really might just seem that way but he isn't really. 

gender

My physical body is female

But my soul is both and not at all the two genders. 

I'm an inter dimensional being, ever change or subject to change. 

My core values are love, joy & freedom. 

I connect with Aliens & Faeries 

I still like talking to the Gods & Goddesses of old

I am a HSP

I am an addict

I love Jaysen & know he's a good guy 

I want to make Jaysen happy

I want to care. 

I thought that feeling was caring. That I was a caring person because I felt everything. But that is not true. My sensitivity doesn't dictate my actions, only I do that. Only I can choose to express my feelings or not. I have hidden my true self because she is too full & takes up too much space. She isn't politically correct. She doesn't adhere to social norms. She talks to much, she's intense. She isn't everyone's cup of tea. 

Highly Sensitive

We are Highly Sensitive People

We exist in everyday people, too. Not just your celebrities, psychopaths and world leaders. We are your artists, bakers, musicians, spiritual leaders. We live down the block and we are someone's daughter, son or child. We went to grade school just like you. 

We had crushes and got rejected. We played silly pranks with our best friends.

We are called chatterboxes but we're the one's giving a speech.

We are called out of touch with reality but we're the one's blowing your mind with our art or our music. Because somehow it speaks to you in a way that you can just feel. It's as if it were written for you. Yes, that is called a good artist, musician or chef. That's where style and beauty saves. A highly sensitive person is beautiful. 

What is balance for me, might look very unbalanced to you. 

ATTN seeking

I am attention seeking

Character defect 

Dishonest

Self seeking 

Deceptive 

Narcisstic 

Anxiety 

Depression

Self medicating

Help Jaysen understand addiction 

Use holding in a shit 

Help Jaysen understand about weight issues 

Work on Steps 

Writing 

HSP, show Jaysen documentary. 

Sex? Was having sex anyway a relapse? 

Trauma 

Mom getting attacked by doc

Sexual purity and love 

Physical touch being my love language. 

Feel my feelings 

Even the painful ones. 

Serious daddy issues. 

Trouble with authority, the usual 

The pot helps me relax

Helps with anxiety 

Makes me able to problem solve better

Everything isn't overwhelming

I'm still traumatized about what happened to mom at the doctors office. I am angry. I blame myself. Now she isn't seeing any doctor because of me. I've been neglectful of her. 

jellie

Weight convos suck. 

I like physical affection. 

How do you really feel? 

Physical touch is my love language. 

Also it is good aftercare for me. 

proposal

We build a mini home for me on this plot of land. Either mom or dads. 

Quite frankly, being an artist doesn't make much money. Until I figure out how to make more money, which will take longer since I'm walking a more rare path...I'd like to know I have a place to live so long as I pay the rent every month. 

Whether that be a room at mom's house, a tini home on her land or a tent on dad's land. 

Pray about it, think about it. 

I understand that would put you in a different position. 

concerns

The ocean, pollutions 

Global Warming 

Clean Water 

World Hunger

Poverty

Bastet

By the way, one of the Goddesses I grew up studying as a witch was Bastet. I saw lots of icons like Catwoman, Queen of the Damned (Akasha was the vampire queen but from Egyptian times and fit the description of Basket. Those icons all formed this catlike woman in my mind. She reminded me of something feral inside of me that wanted to make itself known. That's the age when I was blossoming into having a strong sense of sexuality in regards to identity. 

Cats were always my friends growing up and by my side. 

But then I saw myself in them. I related the most to that character. 

A blank panther, I believed I would transform into a black panther. Why? 

The black panther was my sexuality. I wanted to transform into my wildish nature. A woman who isn't afraid to be her true self. 

Wild, free, 

Tarshock the Wolf, last life. I believed that my last life I was an animal. 

Believe in past lives

Bastet

White Buffalo Calf Lady 

Healing 

Sex magic

Sex connwxtion with spirits

The magic is in the body. I connect with spirit through my body. Spirit lives in my body

White Buffalo Calf Lady 

Basket

Freya

Yemaya

Athena 

Nyx

Isis

Gaia

Morrigan 

Medusa 

Lilith 

Kali

Kuan Yin 

The Triple Goddess 

Hades 

Ra 

Hades

Ganesha 

Buddha

Jesus Christ

Murugan 

Sanat Kumara 

Horus

Arcadia 

Poseidon

Veles 

The Horned God, Cernunnos & Pan 

My pain doesn't make me special. 

I'm unfocused 

I am confused 

My pain doesn't make me special, it makes me wise. I am a wise woman. A wild, wise woman. The shamans of old. To be a wild woman, you must know pain. The undertaking of pain is brutal. It gives you a hardened look. A warrior of the heart. 

Baby, in the future if I'm high and you don't like the way I'm acting will you just come up to me & say, honey, you're not acting like yourself. Why don't we do some grounding? Then I'll snap out of it. 

It's not just a recreational drug, it is also used by shamans. They use it to soothsay. Granted I wasn't soothsaying the other night, I was melting down. But, in the past I've had a desire to use it for those purposes. 

I'm a healer, a magician

A soothsayer 

To help Jaysen see the real you

Show him Sensitive, a documentary 

HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON

explain shamanism, energy work and the modern shaman. Explain their heritage 

Read to him the Women Who Run With Wolves 

Our temple is the body, it is not to escape the body with the mind. We return to the body and love it true. 

We do not worship others, we are more empowered than that. We send love to all situations. 

jellie

I need to talk to Jaysen about setting boundaries with Cesar 

I need to talk to Jaysen about being able to set boundaries with Gabriella. 

Also, how not to make him uncomfortable with 'talks'. 

ideas

Maybe I want to be a therapist or a teacher. It might help me stop analyzing mine so much. 

Be of service. 

Deal with someone or something when it happens. 

Desires in jellies, 

More touch, greater affection & compliments 

Undivided attention? This helps to grow intimacy and connection. Developing greater intimacy. 

How do I ask for what I want without it being a criticism? 

Does Jaysen not want to hear what I have to say? I think he just has good boundaries 

I question whether or not he still likes me, thinks I'm pretty, wants to have sex with me, is attracted to me. He mentions weight a lot and peoples appearance so it makes me self conscious. 

He doesn't compliment me as much. 

Is it insecurity? 

Touch Starved

Sex has been a place for me to have physical touch. That's why it helped me so much when I received touch that was gentle (Cesar). My libido prefers crazy and hard. But my heart desires soft and gentle. 

I want physical touch from other avenues. From friends, family, everything. I get that from family. I am touch starved. 

Beauty, it is everything to me. I rarely find others who feel the same way in the way that I do. Charis was the closest but not as sad. Towanda is closer with sadness but too sad. Mom is the absolute closest but she is more grounded than I am. Parker, yes, parker was perfect. Pure magic when I was with him. His presence was freedom. Maverick, same thing. 

Kindness, it's so hard to find those who truly believe in this as men. And I am not drawn to it in a man. Or I have yet to find one who is truly kind. 

vulnerable rose garden

Mother gave me the gift which I was seeking from a best friend or a lover. I believed that I must find someone to believe me, to truly see me and my story, to love me as I am, to be my truest friend. I wanted this to be my lover or my best friend...preferably both. 

But it was my mother. My mother gave me the love which I needed. She gave me the greatest gift. It started off as an experiment. I would offer her the golden sun. She accepted the gift. Maybe she had already chosen the Golden Light. Maybe she had already manifested it for herself. She created it inside of me. HOPE. LOVE IS THE ANSWER. 

Go bravely my child, there is an ocean of possibility. The pain which my mother felt...she understood far too greatly and this was what she saw in your eyes. 

Kirene, Emily, Samuel. They hurt you, they turned away. I was alone but she found me. The movies and songs were wrong. I found love where I least expected it. 

The loneliness that I have felt is that many do not know how to listen because it is a sacrifice. It's rose that must be watered or it will not bloom. Jaysen must be able to water that rose for me to be able to bloom with him. I still don't feel he truly sees me or believes in me. Maybe he doesn't know how to. But I cannot move forward until I do. I have seen him, he is simple. It's not hard to understand him. It is hard to understand me. I'm not your typical 27 year old. 

I can forgive them. I can let them go. But I need someone who waters my gardens and knows what is truly important to me. I must be willing to be truly vulnerable. 

Only those who want what you want will get it.