The night had grown cold. Silence wrapped around me like a shroud of fear. I was uncertain what my next steps would be. I could sense all around me that there were eyes watching me.
I continue through the faintly lit path with shaking breaths. The trees creaked and groaned; dead leaves crunching under my steps.
What was to become of me now that I was exiled from my home? The destruction I left behind was unbearable to think of. Everything was on fire.
Little did I know then, my journey had just begun. My life was far from over even though I'd go on to hate myself for ages to come. Some things leave scars which echo throughout time and space...they stay with us. It became my new normal to suppress a dark space within myself which I couldn't share with another soul.
Eventually I found a village which took me in. The people there were simple and kind. They didn't ask questions of who I was or what I was running from. They just offered me a place to stay, warm food & a bath. I was out of my mind with turmoil and unable to articulate my thanks.
I found you broken and bleeding. It wasn't my intention to save you but you called out to me as if you knew me. I wanted to tell you that you'd mistaken me for your mother but the look of relief on your paling face struck a cord of familiarity. I, too, once lay where you did & no one ever came for me. They left me there to die. They did not care who I was or what I had done for my country. There was no honor in dying this way.
I don't know who hurt you or stripped you of your wings. But all I knew is there was no honor in leaving you here to die in a dirty alleyway.
Gradually you opened up to me about what happened to you and how they attacked you. Their was a gang of them, you were alone and only trying to make your way home when they threatened you with a knife to your throat. Raped and beaten to near death you suffered a horrific tale.
I remembered the screams of those trapped in the burning building. Their pleading as I escaped. I was cursed with a story I'd relive through each lifetime. Unable to separate my former consciousness from each lifetime. I'd remember them all. Every sin and every tragedy.
But you were unaware of my past, so of course you were not afraid of the one who saved you. You didn't know I was a ghost of a million people within one body.
You couldn't move for a long time and you didn't ask me to contact anyone. I didn't ask why. I still remembered the relief I felt when once upon a time I met a kind & simple folk who allowed me the chance to heal without prying into my past.
* Something was happening, I wasn't trying to escape my own dreams anymore. The nightmares weren't scaring me like they once did. They still happened, I would be trapped in a burning building but I knew it wasn't real. I knew I was in control of my own mind & before my very eyes the dreams would change. I'd envision a peaceful meadow in the woods with sun peaking through...and the further I walked there would be an open field with a tree that would over look a breathtaking sunset. This was my happiest place. Here, I was home.
I could no longer lie to myself. The man I thought I was, wasn't real.
Wiping the tears from your face, I looked into your dark eyes and I knew that you weren't showing me everything about yourself. "What's eating your soul?"
Without a response, I felt the pain with the weight of an avalanche fall from your shoulders. Never did I imagine you'd open yourself to me. But I was soaring inside. You were the most magnificent being I'd ever seen. It was as though you were glowing with the light of thousand suns. Through the pain and darkness, you'd become a beacon of purest light. *
Believe it or not, there was a time once when I died in the ocean, thrown overboard a ship. The suffocating was terrifying, as the darkness become all encompassing. But eventually it become euphoric & my body just stopped fighting.
The whales and the dolphins carried my body or my soul with them to their world. They are the ones who know the greatest spiritual truths on this planet. They understand our nature more than we do.
They showed me things I'll never forget. I can't communicate it with words because it is like trying to convey something 5D with only 3D options. But I can share what happened within my own Soul. I was healed of the curse because the shame was lifted. It turns out the cure was to forgive myself & everything/everyone that led me to burn down my world.
These beings of light reveled to me the nature of existence and how we all continue to reincarnate until we are finished with our karmic cycles.
They told me I could become a being of light like them or go back to the Earth and embody as a teaching Spirit. It wasn't for the faint of heart because I would be challenged like everyone else. Except this time I would have a deeper understanding of reality and if I was brave enough, I'd be able to access my memories along with my knowledge that I'd learned.
Who would choose to go back? I no longer felt burdened by hatred of myself. But they warned me that even old fears and hurts from past lives might haunt me if I could remember them. I must be strong enough to see through it all. To remember their call from within. They said I award them with a great honor if I chose to take such a journey.
So why come back here with all of you?
It seemed like fun to me.
* I laughed when you told me this. Fun? You had to be kidding me. This world was so full of hate. Why would someone willingly leave such a beautiful realm to come to this one? Especially for a laugh!
I would give anything for a laugh, for fun. To find a realm as beautiful as that. Now you were telling me someone might turn down such a place to return to this one without even much thought or hesitation.
People wouldn't believe such an idea. But I believed you. I could feel the truth in what you were saying. It was so powerful that all hairs on my body stood up, giving me gooseflesh. I was blown away by your resilient spirit. How I wished to have such courage. "Oh, but don't you, already?" You could see through me. See my dreams and what I believed in. You knew I had never given up on them despite having all the reasons to. I kept my heart alive in an age of selling out. That is the bravest thing anyone can do, keep the flame alive even when you see the waters coming for you.
"You have the power to create any reality for yourself and you chose this one. Anyone who comes here is a brave soul. Bless them for you know their journey is a difficult one."*
Some years later, I look back on those days with you and I'm still thankful for how you opened my eyes. Thank-you for every promise broken. I know you did try to be the person you said that you were. I wanted to believe that you could truly love me forever. It was a beautiful, passing belief. I understand now that it wasn't my choice to be here. It wasn't my choice to live this life. It wasn't my choice to stay here out of some 'great honor'. I was sucked back like a forced birth. They asked me if I'd like to stay with them or go back as a teacher & I chose to leave this world.
I wasn't able to stay with them. My soul tried everything to fly away with them but it simply could not. I couldn't do anything I put my mind to. I had always believe with enough belief & a little luck I could do anything.
The truth hit me like a brick full of nails. I felt as though I was trapped in my own coffin called my life. The color of life was gone.
Maybe it had all been in my mind. I was washed upon the shore...somehow I hadn't drowned. Not sure how that was physically possible.
There was no one nearby, just sand and forest for as far as the eye could see. I wished I had died. I hadn't forgotten anything...though the experience I had in the ocean made everything foggy. It was like the memories I had, had been swapped around and the puzzle pieces fit in different places now.
I knew I was still the same person in the same body but I felt almost as if this was the dream and what I'd experienced before was what was real. I wandered for many days, just surviving off of what I could find. There was still no sign of life.
But that was a long time ago and you don't have much time. So I won't bore you with all the details of my life. When I met you, you were very young and you didn't know yet what it meant to truly love someone without abandoning yourself in the process. I don't want to blame you, I really don't. I know you meant well...but some days it hits me that you didn't mean well because you weren't even thinking of me. More of what you could get from me. I wondered if this was my karma. The burning faces appeared before my eyes again and tears fell with a million ghost whispers.
I wish I could tell you everything will be ok but I can't do that with the certainty I felt while in that ocean dream. But I do believe there is hope. I saw the glimpse of freedom in that smile of yours. You made me believe there was truly something greater in this life.
That we don't have to walk out this dance alone, if I could only take another step towards that future without you. I know that you'd tell me to take the risk of getting hurt. It was you that made me believe. I wish you'd been real so that these hands wouldn't be shaking in the darkness of the night.
*I looked in the mirror as it began to shatter and crack. I was unraveling before my own eyes. Time would tell if to live my life was to live in hell. How long did it take for me to put the puzzle pieces back together? I started laughing like a little kid who spent too much time alone with his toys. The kid who never got invited to the other kids houses, the one was too weird to be seen. He fell through the cracks. It's like he was invisible even though he was standing right in front of me. I wish I could reach through that mirror and bring her back to me. Why couldn't I go back to the world, to the kingdom that I had created for myself? This world was a better one.
But my kingdom of make believe was dissolving all around me. The shroud had finally lifted. The harsh light shining onto my face.
It was only just a dream. There wasn't anyone there with me.
